A Storm Is Brewing

Settling

Sleep wasn't something my brain understood that night; instead, I opted to leave the house before Leah woke up. Maybe if I had given her that space last night, she could have thought of a nicer way to make her statement. I took myself to a local park, wandering the long pathways to try to distract my mind; nothing was working. I completed multiple loops before returning to my car, realising that I'd left my phone on the car seat in full view of any potential thieves. I rolled my eyes at my lack of thought, sitting in the seat before looking at the screen. I had several missed calls from Leah and multiple replies to my message this morning.

Sophie
Heading out for a few hours, give you some space. Left some painkillers and water on the bedside table.x

Leah
I've just woken up. Where are you?

Leah
Sophie?

Leah
I'm not sure if you're wanting space too, please let me know if you're okay.

I knew she would be worried, opting to reply to get an idea as to whether I should drive home or continue my search for some kind of relief from my heartbreak.

Sophie
Left my phone in the car, went for a walk. Do you want to talk now or later? Is there any point?

I braced myself for the reply, my heart crumbling when I received it.

Leah
I think I need some time. I feel really shown up right now, Sophie. I hope you can understand that. I'll go to my mum's for a few days. I'll be gone before you get back, I'm already packed.

Sophie
I wish I'd never even answered it. I don't see why it has to be a big deal. I'll settle for whatever you want if it means I have you. I'll speak to you when you get back.

Leah
I don't want you to 'settle'. It's a big thing, you can't just settle for it.

Sophie
Yeah. I guess so.

I didn't know what else to say other than simply agreeing with her statement. Deep down, I knew she was right. I had always wanted to get married, more so now that I was with Leah. I suppose I had never really thought of the idea that she might not want that too. I misread her I'll love you forever for a verbal marriage in the future agreement, foolishly. I did mean it, though. If Leah didn't want to get married, then I would remove that part of my dream; I would give up all of my dreams to make the one of growing old with her come true.

The house was empty without Leah; this situation was reminding me of the ending of my relationship with Hannah, mirroring the emptiness that I had felt in the house when she was no longer there. The only difference this time was that Leah's belongings were still here, all but the few she had taken to her mum's. I could still smell her on our bedclothes, still walk into the bathroom and see her shampoo on the rack, and still find her shoes scattered around the place. When Hannah left, I didn't have that. I'm not sure if that made it easier or not; the constant reminders of Leah were making me choke up at almost every turn.

At 11:30 p.m. that night, I had taken myself to bed with the hope of sleep; once again, my brain did not want to acknowledge that my body needed this. I tossed and turned, moving from my own side of the bed to Leah's to inhale the scent of her perfume that had been left on her pillow from last night. I had almost given up on my relationship at this point, almost. In some kind of sign to carry on, my phone pinged as my hand shot to lift it.

Leah
Are you still awake?

Sophie
Yeah. Are you okay?

Leah
Can't sleep.