SHIELDER (CPAGS Epilogue)

Part 7

Tuloy-tuloy akong pumasok ng bahay nang makauwi ako galing school. I saw Nanay Flor talking to someone over the phone. She smiled as soon as she saw me enter the house.

"Oh, eto na pala ang Kapatid mo, eh," she said and covered the mouthpiece of the phone. "James, hijo. Ang Kuya Chase mo."

I just stared at her. Hindi ako lumapit at tinitigan lang si Nanay Flor. She was still holding the phone, expecting me to take it so I could talk with my brother. Tumawag siguro si Kuya dahil alam n'ya na ganitong oras ako umuuwi galing school.

But I didn't want to talk to him.

So, instead of taking the phone from Nanay Flor, tuloy-tuloy lang akong naglakad patungong hagdan. Si Nanay Flor ay mukhang nagulat dahil hindi ko s'ya pinansin.

"Aba't— James!" tawag pa sa akin ni Nanay Flor pero hindi ko s'ya pinansin at nagpatuloy lang ako sa pag-akyat ng hagdan.

I don't ever want to talk with my brother again.

"Umakyat na ang kapatid mo, Sir Chase. Masama yata ang pakiramdam at hindi ka makakausap," narinig ko pang sabi ni Nanay Flor bago ako tuluyang makapasok ng sariling kwarto.

As I closed the door shut, I just remained standing. I suddenly didn't know what to do as an intense emotion was starting to bubble up inside my chest. An emotion that was so strong and wanted to burst out.

Ang bag na nakasabit sa mga balikat ko ay unti-unting bumibigat kasabay ng mas lalo pang pagtindi ng emosyon na 'yon. It started to irritate me. Nakatitig lang ako sa kawalan pero walang partikular na tinitingnan. My focus was solely on the heaviness of my bag and the emotion in my chest.

And when I couldn't take it anymore, I took the straps of my bag off my shoulders. Marahas ko iyong ginawa na halos sumama pa ang uniform ko at muntik nang magtanggalan ang mga butones noon. Pabalibag kong itinapon ang bag sa ibabaw ng kama.

I'm angry. I know I am but I didn't want this emotion. Hindi ko gustong magalit kay Kuya. Nawala na ang mga magulang namin and the last thing I wanted to feel is resentment towards the only family I have left. I know he's suffering too.

But he left you, Gray. You're the one who suffered more. You're the one who almost died. Mas matindi ang pinagdaanan mo dahil narinig mo ang lahat ng 'yon. You developed a trauma because of that. But he still left you... As if he's the one who got hurt.

They both got hurt.

Yes. But is that a good reason to just leave his brother?

I closed my eyes. Ah... I hate it. I hate it when my mind is messy like this. Ang ingay. I hate my inner thoughts. Masyadong magulo.

I took a deep breath and opened my eyes again. Lumapit ako sa full-length mirror na nasa loob ng kwarto ko. Tinitigan ko ang sarili ko roon.

A chuckle escaped from my lips all of a sudden. The reflection in the mirror was me but... I feel like I was staring at a different person.

I started to take off my necktie nang mapatigil ako dahil sa naisip.

Kuya Hunter left even before I could learn how to tie my own necktie.

Hindi natupad ang pangako sa 'kin ng mga magulang ko. When my birthday came after their deaths, there wasn't any party. I didn't get to wear any tux or necktie. And Kuya Hunter wasn't there.

Nanay Flor tried her best to celebrate with me pero buong araw ay malungkot ako. Instead, I stayed inside my room, wishing that the dreadful day would just pass by.

Mom didn't get to tie my necktie for me. Nang tumungtong ako ng highschool, necktie was a part of our uniform. Hindi ko alam kung paano isusuot iyon. Nanay Flor didn't know how to tie it too dahil babae ang anak n'ya.