VIRTUOSO - A MYG Story

SFORZANDO

SFORZANDO

Strained

YOONGI

The three of us had been sitting together in my mom's living room, talking for a while and catching up. Faye and I told her about the wedding, about how Dad was doing, and that Jen and Sang were expecting. It was difficult, but somehow I managed to hold in my simmering resentment. I was trying my best to have as pleasant of a visit as I could, despite the undesirable circumstances.

"I can't believe you got married, Yoongi. So much has changed..." Mom trailed off, smiling, but I could tell that she still didn't quite feel at ease with me. Apparently, she could tell that I didn't either.

Mothers know their sons. She could see right through me.

"You're rolling your tongue around in your mouth. I can tell that you're upset." She could spot my nervous tics a mile away, even when I thought I had been doing a fine job hiding them.

Shit.

"You don't really forgive me, do you?" She asked bluntly.

I knew it was coming.

I knew she wouldn't believe me. I had just wanted to avoid conflict,and didn't want to get hurt again. I sucked in a slow, controlled breath, looking down at my hands in my lap, not sure what to say next.

"I don't know," I rasped, barely opening my lips to speak. I hesitated at first, but realized that if I didn't say what I needed to say while I had the chance, I might have regretted it for the rest of my life.

"Not really, no," I eventually admitted as she sat in silence, taking in my words.

"I wish I knew how," I added, trying to fight away the furious, vengeful demon that was trying to claw its way out of my chest; The one that wanted to scream at Mom and never forgive her. Tiny cracks began to form as I watched her drowning in her own guilt. A storm was brewing inside of me and I could hardly contain it.

She needs to know how angry you are.

I knew it wouldn't help anything, nor would it make me feel better, but I had to get it off my chest.

"You hurt me in a way I'm not sure I'll ever recover from." It felt like a gut punch saying it to her. No matter what she'd put me through, and no matter how much I wanted to hate her, I couldn't. It hurt like hell seeing her come to the realization that she had damaged our relationship beyond repair, but it was even more painful admitting it to myself.

"I didn't think I'd ever see you again. I thought I'd lost you..." she replied in a shaky whisper, her eyes glossy with regret.

When she reached for my hand, I quickly pulled away. I had finally snapped.

"And why would that be, Mom?" I felt my face grow hot with unresolved rage. "Because you decided to run off to Korea and start a new family, leaving your old one behind? Does that have anything to do with why you might not have seen me again? Quit the pity-party, bullshit, Mom. You blamed me for your affair. And now you have to face me after all of that, as uncomfortable as that is. You know, I almost didn't come here at all. Sang was the one who wanted me to."

I hadn't planned on exploding on her like that. Funny enough, I had even rehearsed what I'd say, mouthed the words to myself in front of the bathroom mirror in the hours leading up to the concert. I wanted things to remain civil, but there I was: the one losing his cool.

Mom cupped her hand over her mouth and sank back into the couch as I deliberated over what to say or do next. I was fuming. I couldn't even look at her. It disgusted me that she just had sat there, speaking so candidly about her new life, telling us how happy she was in her new marriage. I didn't want to hear that. And then to hear that she worried about losing us when she was the one who ran away... I had heard enough.

"I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know if I can do this, Mom. I don't think you understand this at all. You're the reason this family is broken. You're the one that lost us." I pulled myself up off the couch and began to pace around the room with clenched fists and gritted teeth. I didn't understand how she could still be so selfish even after all that had happened. "You know what? I shouldn't have come here. This was a mistake."

"I–" she started to speak up, but what was left of my patience was already long gone.

"I just need time," I said dryly before looking over at a worried Faye. "Let's get going, babe."

"So that's it? You're just going to leave?" Mom stood up, growing desperate. With tears streaming down her face, she tried to follow after me, tried to stop me.

"You taught me how."

In probably more dramatic fashion than I intended at the time, with Faye shuffling close behind, I walked right out the door without another word.

Faye and I sat together in the parking lot for a long time. I wasn't ready to drive. My nerves were shot.

"I'm so sorry for the way I just behaved in there," I was drowning in regret. Not only did I ruin our honeymoon by going to see my mom, but I also made things uncomfortable for Faye. "This wasn't fair to you at all."

"I'm not upset with you. Not even a little. I told you that I wanted to be there for you. That's what marriage is supposed to be. I carry this weight with you now." Faye's gentle words of encouragement and support really did make all the difference.

"Was I too hard on her? Maybe I overreacted when I walked out like that." I began to second-guess myself out loud.

"No, I don't think so. I think you're completely justified. No mother should ever say such things to her son. You need to be more patient with yourself. This isn't supposed to be easy. This is going to take time." Faye swept my hair back as we sat in the car. I leaned back in my seat and rolled my head to look over at her with grateful eyes.

"I don't deserve you," was all I could say at that moment. I didn't know how I had gotten so lucky to have her there by my side, supporting me through such a difficult situation. "Thank you for being here."

She hummed and leaned over to rest her head against my shoulder. I responded with a kiss to her forehead.

"Always," she sighed with her soft, reassuring smile.