Walls

40. Give In

I've been staring at the USB stick Jeongin gave me for longer than twenty minutes without doing anything. The urge I have to throw it in a trash bin isn't as strong as it should. This is the most torn I've ever felt in my life. Yes, I am beyond angry at him but at the same time my curiosity and need to know are taking over every inch of my body. How bad would it be if I just put it in a laptop and see what he put in it? Can't be worse than how I feel right now, can it?

No.

Self control, right? That's what I'm good at. I'm stronger than this, better than the mess he created. Unlike what I think, I won't die if i never find out what's in that stupid thing. Hyunjin's done me more ache than good at this point and I'm about to end the cycle.

Although my thoughts were clearly holding me back from grabbing the USB stick, my feet were stubbornly leading me forward, to the table that I left it.

So much for self control then.

My hands were shaking as I was hurriedly trying to connect the USB to Felix's laptop which was already sat on the couch. Why am I doing this?

My negative thoughts weren't strong enough to convince me to just give up on the whole thing and I hadn't even realised it when I saw I clicked to open the files of the stick.

It was a PowerPoint that consisted of two parts. The one had "Project" written as its title and the other "Pro-jerk". Look at him, getting creative with his puns.

I first clicked on the "Project" folder and I couldn't actually comprehend what I was viewing. Jeongin didn't lie; Hyunjin had, in fact, worked on the project. He started with the Greek gods like we had agreed on, continued with Eros and Psyche, added Hercules and his fights as well as Hades and what the Other World meant to ancient Greeks. Plenty more little stories were filling the pages of his presentation, a presentation which was surprisingly greatly composed. Did he even write all of this? He had upheld every typicality in the format of the project and even wrote down the resources we -well, mostly he- used to get this information from.

I tried to push down the part of me that wished he was feeling so low because of our situation that he couldn't even think of completing the project, let alone doing it.

Hwang Hyunjin had finished a whole project by himself and I knew, I just knew he did it for me. For us. For his redemption.

Isn't that selfish of him, now?

With anger slowly building up in me, I closed the project file. I was about to turn the whole laptop off before the second file he had in there caught my eye again. The curiosity took over me so after a few curses towards myself, I clicked on the 'Pro-jerk'.

The file turned out to have the exact same format as the previous one; long texts on the page, only it appeared more like a virtual letter. Without diving too much into it, I started reading what was written - more like typed.

" Hey, Y/N.

I know you're beyond mad at me -rightfully so- so I'm really betting on your curiosity to read this file ;)

Bad time to use a winky face, right? I'm sorry. Not for the wink but for everything else.

I know I was on the wrong for the things I hid from you. You see, the moment I feel fearless, my fears have a strange way of catching up on me. I was worried that if I told you the truth, you'd return to the past. You'd see me as a 10 year old boy you were friends with but don't remember and not as the guy you met now. What I forgot along the way was that the one that was stuck in the past was nobody else than me.

I was selfish, I know. In the stress of keeping what we have untouched, I didn't pay enough attention to how much the memory loss affected you. I knew it was burdensome and upsetting but I never realised the extent of it. How could I not? That's the thing I regret the most.

I should have been better, more honest. I should have been strong enough to deal with whatever consequences me telling you would have on me. But I failed you, me and us.

I know an apology won't change anything and I will completely understand if you decide to never talk to me again, no matter how much that would cost me. I really wanted to say I'm sorry for one more time, not give up like my dad. I'm so disgusted that now I see my face and think of him.

I'm sorry and I love you. No matter what you think of me now, never doubt these words."

I would be lying if I said that his letter didn't affect me. It did, and a lot. How could he ever think that he resembles his dad? Sure, Hyunjin messed up but his father is just pure evil. My heart ached at the thought of it.

Now that I am calmer, I don't doubt that he is sincerely sorry. But is it enough? Not only did he lie to me but the lies he told me revolved around my past. Mine. Memories I lost without choosing to, parts of my younger self I can't remember.

But he believes he's the same as his dad?

This thought shook me to my core and I couldn't bear imagining him feeling like this. Part of me wanted him to really sit down and feel his regrets but not like this. This was simply wrong and not true at all.

In hurried movements my mind couldn't even process, I closed the laptop's screen, took the USB stick out and headed towards the door. I wasn't sure if I was ready to face Hyunjin yet but I needed him so much to know that he could never be like his dad. That he was already so much of a better person than the latter one could ever be.

In running footsteps, I crossed the street and in a few seconds my hand was knocking on his house's door. It didn't take long for someone to open and thankfully that someone was the guy I was looking for.

He looked tired and drained, a look I've never seen on him before. His messy hair were tied in a low man bun and even though my mind was hazy, I couldn't not admire how handsome he was. His zombie-like eyes seemed to light up a bit as soon as our gazes crossed but just as if a lightning had struck him, his glance turned into one of guilt real quick.

"Look," My voice sounded steady. "...me coming here doesn't mean I've forgiven you or anything like that. I just want you to know that you're not like your dad, Hyunjin." My tone when saying his name was unintentionally soft and tender. "You very obviously screwed up but you don't deserve to think you remind him cause you don't. Don't do this to you. Don't let your ghosts haunt you any longer. They did enough damage already." My gaze softened along with my voice. Damn it, I shouldn't be soft right now.

"You read it then?" Hope was apparent all over his face.

"I am curious, after all." I replied with a blank expression.

This felt too much to handle right now. I wished I could say that seeing him didn't affect me at all but it did awfully much. God, what I'd do to feel his arms around me again.

No. Thoughts like that are not welcome now, in this situation, in this emotional swirl. I gave Hyunjin a small nod and turned my feet around to walk away, to liberate myself from all these feelings that kept coming back. However, the words that left his mouth some seconds later stopped me right in my tracks.

"Y/N." He stepped closer to where I was.

"What?" My voice wasn't soft like earlier. My gaze was though, as now he was looking at me right in the eyes, making focusing impossible.

"It might be ridiculous to say, all things considered, but how are you?" He stopped before continuing. "I know I've given apologies and explanations but what about you? How are you feeling?"

I wish I could say that his concern was hypocritical, that he was mocking me. Only it wasn't. His whole face was drowning in guilt and worry. Although I thought it'd make me feel good seeing him struggle, this view genuinely broke my heart.

"Been better, you know." He really did know. He was the one that made me feel my best.

"I could say I'm sorry a thousand times and it still wouldn't be enough. So yeah, I know." He dropped his gaze on the floor and headed back to his house.

I should've let him go. I should have yelled at him once more or at least agree with him on the last bit. I shouldn't have had the overly consuming desire to kiss him and most definitely I shouldn't have given in to it.

But I did.