A Storm Is Brewing

Making It Work

"Soph. Sophie. Soph. Hey, I'm here. Soph, it's just a dream."

I shot up in bed, feeling around for the switch on the lamp and looking next to me for Leah. She wasn't there, of course, but she was still on the phone. I wiped the tears that had accumulated under my eyes, lifting the phone to look at a concerned face looking back at me. 3.01am.

"Did I wake you?" I sighed.
"It's okay; I'm here. I'm right here, okay?"
"I'm sorry. I was just having a bad dream."
"I know. Do you want to tell me about it?"
"I wish you were here." I began to sob.
"I wish that too. All I want to do is protect you. I really think I should come home, Soph."
"No, don't be silly. I'm just a big baby." I chuckled, trying to stop her from worrying.
"You're not. I bet yesterday was really frightening. You're the strongest person I know, and I don't need you to joke about things to protect me. I know you're hurting, I know you're scared, and I know you need me. Let me be there. Please." Leah closed her eyes in anticipation of my answer.
"I promise if I need you home, I'll say it."
"Okay you." She smiled, focusing on my face like she wanted to remember every detail.
"Wait - how come you're still on the phone?" I chuckled.
"You caught me. I wanted to fall asleep beside you, too. I thought I'd hang up tomorrow before you woke up."
"You can be so cute sometimes." Butterflies.
"Only for you, Soph."

Over the next few days, it became obvious that I wasn't being a baby. I was suffering from a delayed reaction to what had happened, and I wasn't going to shy away from that. I felt sick when I gazed around the office, I felt unsafe when I was around the building alone, and I felt anxious before work—well, more anxious than I usually do. Almost like a guardian angel had sent her, I bumped into Holly while shopping for some new clothes in the hope of retail therapy working. We decided to grab a coffee, although I spent more time trying to hide from the stares of the people around me, all desperate to find out the backstory to my facial injuries. Holly was kind, the type of person who accepted me for who I was, and never one to decide whether she liked me or not based on where Leah and I were in our relationship. I wasn't stupid; I knew that she noticed the tremble in my hands, the glazing of my eyes, and the softness of my voice, which were the standard symptoms of my own anxiety issues.

"Leah told me what happened; I hope that's okay for me to say." She trailed off, likely afraid she had said too much.
"Yeah, she told me. I just can't believe it. You hear these stories, but you don't ever think it'll be you."
"I can imagine it's hard to come back from. Especially when you have to return to the same place every day."

Holly made it easy to talk; she didn't stare to wait for my reaction to her words; she just casually sipped her coffee as if we were talking about the weather.

"Yeah. I think that's the part I've found the hardest. I've always hated that place; I always get myself into a state before I go in. This has just amplified it, I think. I'm hoping when Leah is back, I'll start to find it easier."
"I once had a customer at work scream in my face, really aggressively. It terrified me; they didn't, like, do that or anything. I don't know why I'm saying this; it's obviously not the same."
"It basically is. What did you do? You know, how did you deal with it?" I asked.
"I didn't. I got a new job." She chuckled.
"I wish I could do that." I sighed.
"Can't you?"
"It's hard to keep switching around firms. If you leave, they tend to badmouth you to other people, and then you have to start from the bottom again."
"Would you not go back to your own firm? Didn't Leah buy your shares or something?"
"Yeah, she did. She's amazing." I smiled, thinking about Leah.
"Sounds like you have a way out, if you ask me."
"I just worry. Leah and I are great—more than great—we're perfect. I just don't want to rush it, if that makes sense."
"I get it. You have to remember, though, that—and I don't mean this negatively towards Leah—you have been the one to make yourself vulnerable. Lose your safety! That's what I mean. Leah knew that. She knew that when your relationship ended, you had to give up everything you had built here to feel safe in Ireland again. That was definitely part of her reasoning for buying you out; she always hoped you'd come back to her, and I guess she wanted to have something that she could make you feel safe with again. It sounds to me like right now you need something to make you feel safe in London."
"Yeah, I think you might be right. Thank you."
"Talk to her, Sophie. Leah knows you better than most people; she'll know if it's the right thing for you and for both of you. Trust me, if she thinks for one second that it isn't or that it'll risk what you two have, she'll just simply say no. She won't risk losing you again." Holly placed a comforting hand on my own.