SAUDADE: Loving Eye of Catastrophe (BS8)

kabanata 12

Kabanata 12: No commitment

"What did you say?" Gulat na tanong ko sa kaniya. Hindi ko maiwasan na pagtaasan ito ng kilay. It took me time to process what he said.

I met Hexion as a serious doctor who will not break any law, but will travel across the country... with no sleep, no rest, didn't eat right, tired and exhausted, yet will still help those people who are in need. That's him.

But him offering himself to be my sperm donor, is something I didn't see coming.

"I am just giving you option," He mumbled, "I see how determined you are to have a child–"

"You are willing to be my sperm donor, really?" Agad kong tanong dito. I mean, who will say no to good genes? Imagine my offspring will get violet eyes. That's a win, considering how good looking this man is.

"IUI... IVF–" I suggested as he nodded,

"Pumapayag ako na maging sperm donor mo, but I want it to be traditional."

Nalaglag ang panga ko pagkarinig na pagkarinig ko pa lamang ng sinabi niya. "T-traditional?"

"May virus ngayon, wala kang makikitang iba pa. It's safer to do the traditional... no commitment." He calmly said, "Despite this, sex is not a big deal in this generation."

Unbelievable. Parang tumakas ang dugo sa mukha ko. Hindi ko magawang i-proseso agad ang mga katagang binabanggit ng lalaking ito. Sex? Tarantado ba 'to?

"You being westerner huh?" I said, disgusted.

Maybe in his culture and environment where he grew up, sexual intercourse is okay to do with someone you don't love. But hey, it is a big deal to me. Anong sinasabi nito na hindi na 'yun big deal sa henerasyon na 'to. If he concludes that because of the number of teenage pregnancies that occur in the country in a short period of time... well, ibahin niya ako.

Nagkibit balikat ito at nilingon ako. "I am just making you an offer." Halata sa mapupungay niyang mga mata na inaantok at pagod na siya.

Bago pa man humakbang si Hexion pabalik sa kwarto. Nagsalita na ako. Hindi ko alam kung bunga ba ito ng pagiging desperada. Kasi natatakot akong tumandang mag-isa, mapag-iwanan o natatakot ako na baka sa mga susunod na taon, hindi ko na kayanin na mag bigay buhay sa isang bata. I am getting older, baka magkaroon na ng komplikasyon ang pagbubuntis ko kapag pinatagal ko pa.

"But the child is mine, not yours." I mumbled.

Bahagyang natigilan si Hexion. "I don't mind... I just want to help you." He paused before taking a step forward. "Think of it,"

Another day has passed. And I still haven't decided on which action I am going to take.

Naputol ang pag-iisip ko nang mag ring ang cellphone ko. It is a call from my squad gc. Si Esha ang tumatawag. Agad akong nag join. Naka open cam si Esha, kitang-kita ko ang grand piano sa likuran nito na may nakaukit na eroplano. She is lying on a couch.

I smiled as I saw her. "Bakit ka napatawag, buntis?"

"Wala lang... na mi-miss ko lang kayo."

Khaning_may_issue joined the call.

Lalay_selosa joined the call.

Napailing na lamang ako sa nickname nila. Sino na naman kayang baliw ang nag set ng mga ito. For sure it is Esha. Since naka bed rest ang gaga dahil sa laki ng tiyan nito, madami siyang oras para kulitin at paglaruan ang gc namin.

Shiela appeared in her black long gown. Malaya naming napagmamasdan 'yun dahil nakatutok ang camera nito sa salamin. She is standing still in front of the mirror. Walang duda na siya ang highest paid model noong nasa industriya pa siya. She is serving with looks.

"Tanginang nickname naman 'to, Meme." Angal niya nang mapansin niya ito.

I can't help but laugh too.

Si Khaning naman ay nakaupo katabi ang kambal niyang anak. Nanood ang mga bata ng cartoons. They seem to be chilling in their own house.

"Saan ka naman pupunta, Lay?" I asked,

Shiela smiled at the mirror. "Naku doktora, pupunta ako sa family dinner ng mapapangasawa ng kapatid ni Howard. Ang alam ko didiretso na din kami ng gender reveal..."

"Woah–" I reacted

She laughed, "naunahan ka pa niya, Ka."

Maybe on a normal day, I will laugh at those words but it triggers a sensitive part of my heart.

Maybe, just maybe. If Rein and I made it work, baka settled na din kami ngayon. Baka kagaya ng mga kaibigan ko, may pamilya na din ako. Kung pagpapalain ako, baka may anak na din ako ngayon.

Paano kaya kung sumugal ako sa kaniya? Paano kaya kung pinatawad ko siya pagkatapos kong malaman na nagsisinungaling siya? Paano–

Tumulo ang butil ng luha sa pisnge ko kaya agad kong pinatay ang camera ko. Why would I ask these questions to myself? He did what he did, I reacted how I was supposed to react, and sadly, it is what it is.

He never gives me peace, that is why I always thank God that he is just my 'almost'. He was leak with a lot of women, he denied, he lied, he tried to save his image for me. But I guess it is not enough to remove the doubt that I felt from him.

"Kamusta ka na, Kyl?" Esha asked.

I sighed, "Losing hope."

"Kyl, I am bearing a triplets. Pumunta ka dito pagkatapos mong mag quarantine jan." Esha said before I excuse myself. Sinabi kong may meeting akong kailangan attend-an, kahit wala naman talaga.

Halos hilain ko ang mga paa ko papuntang kwarto. I stayed in my bed for as long as I could remember. Wala akong ganang tumayo. I don't know why... I just felt unmotivated all of sudden.

"Hindi ka kakain?" Hexion appears on the side of the bed.

I just look at him, "Hindi naman ako nagugutom."

Hindi na ako pinilit pa ng lalaking ito. Mukhang nakumbinsi siya na wala talaga akong balak na tumayo.

It is past nine in the evening. Hexion goes to his bed. Kapansin-pansin ang kada minutong pagsulyap nito sa'kin pero wala ako sa mood para intindihin siya.

"Joxzel... may ipis sa baba ng kama mo." Turan nito.

Bahagya kong nilingon ang lugar na sinasabi niya. Nakita ko ang isang ipis doon na gumagapang pataas ng kumot ko. I am too weak to react. Namalayan ko na lamang na may tsinelas na humataw na sa insketo na 'yun. Hexion was standing half meter from my bed.

"What's happening to you?" He mumbled. "Kung ang problema mo pa rin 'yung sperm donor na 'yan, why don't you consider my offer. For Pete's sake Joxzel, I am clean and healthy. Kaya kitang bigyan ng anak–"

"And you think, that is as easy as that?" My voice cracks.

"No, but you don't need to punish yourself like this." Mariin na saad sa'kin ni Hexion. He sat beside me. "Joxzel, if you feel pressure because your friends are already settled, be reminded that you don't share the same timeline. What works for them, might not work for you."

I don't know what happened to my body. I suddenly reach Hexion's lips. Fuck. So freaking soft.

Namalayan ko na lamang ang kamay niya na nasa batok ko. He kissed back. Slowly... yet full of passion.

We took a minute of rest for us to grasp for air.

"Are you agreeing to my offer, Joxzel?" He asked,

I sighed, "I still not convince–"

Hindi ko pa natatapos ang sasabihin ko nang muli akong halikan ni Hexion. Sa pagkakataon na ito, mariin at halatang gigil ang mga paglapat ng labi.

Shit... randam kong lumilisan sa katawan ko ang katinuan. Fuck. nalalasing ako sa mga halik ng lalaking ito.