A Storm Is Brewing

Stronger Together

I held Leah closer than ever that night, the sound of her breathing bringing a sense of calmness to my entire body. I had forgotten what it felt like to sleep all night and how it felt to know that I was safe, but I still couldn't forget how I felt falling onto the floor of the office that day. Leah began to stir awake just as I was recalling that day's events, wondering if I hadn't been so arrogant, had changed my tone, or if I had just taken his case and been happy to lose it, would the outcome have been different?

"I've missed waking up beside you." Leah spoke, her voice groggy.
"I've missed it too, more than I can even put into words."

We cuddled for a bit before we both showered, thankful that Leah had a day off from training. Neither of us were sure how this was really going to work. I was afraid that Leah would feel torn between spending time with her teammates and me, and I knew she was afraid that I wouldn't want to tell her when I needed to work. That day, though, was all about us; it was about us being in the presence of one another and knowing that our decision to try again those months ago was the right one.

Leah took a seat on the bed, leaning back into the pillows and patting the bed between her legs to let me know where she wanted me. My back fell into her chest, her arms wrapped around my stomach, and her head rested on top of mine. She seemed nervous, like she wasn't sure how to go about whatever it was she wanted to say. I think deep down I knew what was coming, but I wasn't sure if I was ready for it.

"I know you aren't sure if you're ready for this, and it's okay if you aren't." She knows; she always knows what I'm thinking.
"Okay."
"I don't want this to be something we brush off, though, Soph. What happened to you was a big thing; it was a traumatic thing. I want us to talk about it—well, I want you to talk about it. I know maybe I'm not who you want to talk about it with; maybe Rhys or someone else would be better for you, or whatever. Just please promise me that if you think you feel like you can talk to me, then you will. I just want you to talk - speak - talk - or whatever - to someone."

Leah's words seemed to merge into one, her nervousness about the topic shining through, but her determination to be strong for me was all I could notice. The idea that she would be happy for me to completely eliminate her from my brain so she could selflessly know that I was okay was something I hadn't experienced before. Usually, everyone wants to be that hero; they want to be the person that you felt you could talk to, the person that helped you get through the tough times. Leah, though, put her own wishes to be that person for me on the back burner in order to make sure I was safe and felt like I had dealt with the situation. She simply didn't realise that it was always her that I felt most comfortable talking to.

"It's you." I whispered.
"What's me?"
"The person I want to discuss it with. I don't know how much I'll be able to say or if it'll even help, and I'm not really sure what to tell you."
"I can ask you some questions?"
"I'd like that."

I placed my hands on Leah's arms in anticipation of her questions.

"What was his name?"
"Jason."
"Did he do what he was accused of?"
"Yes."
"What did he look like?"
"6ft, way taller than me." I chuckled.
"Not hard, Soph."
"He had these huge eyes; I remember how much wider they got when he was angry."
"Was he angry the whole time?"
"Not angry. He was just blank at first, almost as if he were completely removed from what he had done. When I told him I couldn't defend him, that's when his anger started. The silence was the worst part."
"The silence?"
"Yeah. When I first said I can't defend you, he just stood silently and stared at me. It could've been five seconds or five minutes, but it felt like five years." I sighed.
"What happened then?"
"He called me a bitch; I didn't react. I knew not to react; I just tried to stay professional, but he said it again. That time, he made direct eye contact with me. I knew what was coming, so I ran towards my desk for the panic button."
"Did you make it?"
"No. He spun me around; I remember feeling the air all coming towards my face."
"Do you remember anything else?"
"No, just your mum."

Leah sat silently for a minute; her breathing made it obvious to me that she was angry. I wasn't sure if it was at me; did she think I could've done something differently too?

"I know I should've ran to the door and called for help. I know I should've made sure someone else was in -" I began.
"No! Stop! I will not have that!" Leah huffed.
"Have what?"
"You. Blaming yourself. You are incredible, Soph. You are so brave; you've always been way more brave than I have. You could've done all those things differently—all those things I know you have thought to yourself whilst we've been apart—but the truth is, he was intent on taking his anger out on someone that day. It was you, anywhere you had run, he would've caught up with you. He didn't like that you said no to him; he didn't like that you said I can't defend you because he's clearly used to getting his own way. You showed him that life doesn't work like that, and for that, I will forever be proud of you."

Leah's words brought me a level of comfort that I didn't know I needed—a reassurance that I had done nothing to provoke the attack.

"I feel silly." I said quietly.
"Silly why, babe?"
"I don't know. I have nightmares sometimes about him. It was one punch to the face, and here I am terrified of it."
"That's because you replayed it in your mind, wondering if you could've been different. If you caused it. I knew you would be; I knew you would think it was your fault."
"I don't think that anymore." I smiled.
"Promise?"
"I promise, Le."

Leah pulled my body even closer to hers, placing a kiss on my hair on the top of my head. Her fingertips traced patterns on the tips of my arms.

"I'm proud of you, Soph."
"I'm proud of us."
"What do you mean?"
"We've gone from terrible communication to you being my therapist." I chuckled.
"Girlfriend, housemate, and therapist." Leah spoke confidently.
"And future wife?" I bent my head back to look at her.
"And future wife, when you're ready." Leah grinned back at me.
"All in good time, Le. All in good time."

We still had a long way to go before we were ready for engagement, but at least I knew we were both on the same page.