for June

4. Slate

June sat on the edge of the bed in the dark, wearing all but his shirt, and listened to his breathing. The poor man had passed out from sheer exhaustion after round two.

She bit her lip, torn, watching him in the dim light as someone who is contemplating a heavy decision. As if she were considering giving him up to the pound, her little puppy.

Chad did not know who she was, or where she had come from. In fact, he knew so little about her, and yet he didn't care, as long as she chose him, to be with him, to love him. And she did. But marriage? — That was different. Marriage meant forging a great promise. A promise that required her to step through that proverbial fire, pure of heart and emerge on the other side as his devoted wife, with all her heart. But right now, she wasn't there. She wasn't ready for that fire. To let the demons of her past sleep.

She still couldn't believe he had popped the question, just like that. No preamble, no testing the water with sly questions, 'Hey June, what do you think of a forever with me?' He just knew. He knew she was the one for him. But he had also proposed to Setal two years ago, so it brought certain things to light, namely that he was a romantic at heart to a fault.

A year was all it took him for him to say, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you," on their ride back to the hotel from the park. Simple. Chad could see himself spending his entire life with her. So why wasn't her heart jumping with joy? Why was is it, instead, beating to an erratic rhythm, fearing that very future?

She wiped the stray tear quietly sliding down her cheeks and caught and the glint of the diamond, even in the dark, caught her attention. She stared at the piece, wanting to feel what everyone would expect her to feel, joy, when in fact, she felt numb. Yes, part of her whooped with joy, not at the size of it but at the fact that a ring sat on that finger of hers. She never thought that would ever come to pass. Yet, another part of her, the girl screaming to have her past dragged away and buried in the night, pulled her attention even more.

This is not right, June. You know that in your heart. You cannot marry this man until you let go of your past. Until we are free of the past, of the mistakes... Until he knows the truth... Her conscience was saying. Oh, how she wished she could ignore it, dial down the volume, perhaps even mute it. But that voice had begun as a little squeak on the day she'd seen or thought she'd seen something peculiar in the bowl before the swirling water whisked it away. Was that a...?

He deserves to know you before he gives his life to you! He deserves the truth, every ounce.

June shook her head in defiance. "No. I can't," she whispered, reaching out to touch him, but stayed her hand. She did not wish him to wake and have him worry about her tears.

Why not? Because you think he will judge you? Because you think he will leave you the moment he learns all the horrible things you've done?

June rose from the bed, agitated. Unable to shut the voice out.

Are you going to be one of those women who marries a man under false pretences, just to secure herself a man, or his fortune? Oh no, don't tell me? Was that your entire plan? To tie him to you permanently?!

"Shut up!" She muttered through tight lips, and Chad stirred from the sound. She rushed into the bathroom and locked herself in its opulence and glare, eyeing herself in the mirror, wild-eyed. "What do you want from me?"

The face smirked. What do you think?

"But he'll leave me. He'll think I'm... some loon and leave."

Or maybe he won't. He's seen his fair share of loon to know one, don't you think?

June gripped the basin for support and doubled over as though in pain. She was. It just wasn't physical pain. It was anguish and heartache. Part of her, the part her parents raised, the daughter they had loved, knew what she must do. The other part, the part that was selfish and somewhat used to getting what she wanted, refused to yield. Who was to win? June Amari, the loving daughter of Ada and Morris Amari. Or Miss Amari, the girl who had vehemently desired to become Mrs Ellington, knowing fully well he was her professor? The Miss Amari one who had almost done the unthinkable?

So what's it going to be, June? Her consciousness demanded. Are you going to open up to that beautiful man sleeping in that bed outside, oblivious about the woman he loves, or are you going to do the right thing, and let him in, let him decide if you are worth it?

June's heart ached, thrumming in her chest. Her stomach turned sickly. Her legs beneath felt weak, for she knew what she wanted. What she needed. "I want to be worth it!" She finally conceded. "I want to be worth every moment I get with him. I want to love him the way he loves me, with abandon. I want..."

Yes, say it. Say it, or you won't do what needs to be done.

June pulled in a sharp breath, wiped her cheeks dry and stood up tall. Staring back at her own reflection in resoluteness. "I want my happily ever after, and I want it with him."

Him? Him who?

June squared off against herself. "Chad."

Her reflection nodded with a smile. Then go wipe the slate clean so you can write his name on it.

She nodded. Okay.

"I can do this. I can." And she walked back out into the darkroom, sat herself down at the table, and began writing a letter. Her first step in wiping that slate clean, the murky slate that was in her heart. It was time to write one name clearly and one name only. However, in order to do that, she had to say goodbye, at least for a while. Or what she hoped would only be a while. Temporary. Though fear coiled in her heart and echoed, but what if it's not temporary? What if...?

But she'd decided. June Amari was going to get out of her own way and let Chad Gilligan finally learn the truth about who she was. Or at least she was going to try.