Ice Cold

26

Landon Reilly

Going to therapy sessions once a week wasn't something that really fit into my schedule, so it always made me miss at least the first half an hour of practice on Wednesdays. It was only a few minutes off campus, but the campus bus didn't go there, so it dropped me off at the shopping center near by and I had to walk the rest of the way. Which was fine when it wasn't freezing or raining, but it was both today. So by the time I got to Dr. Marshall's office, I was soaked, cold, and pissed off.

"Here, I'll turn the heater on," Dr. Marshall offered, moving to grab a small space heater near his desk. He placed it in front of me and turned it on then handed me a blanket which I wrapped around my shoulders.

Dr. Marshall got settled, pulling his chair over to sit across from me. I looked over at the clock. I had only been here for five minutes. Therapy was always the longest hour of my week. The longer Dr. Marshall took to get started, the better.

"Why don't we start by you telling me about your week," he began, crossing one leg over the other.

"It was alright," I said with a shrug.

I hated when we started like this. It was better when he asked me direct questions so I knew what to say, even if I didn't really know the answers he was looking for. He told me he wasn't looking for any specific answers, just my honesty. But somehow, I always felt like I was giving the wrong answers.

"How is school going?" he asked. "Do you feel like you're having trouble with anything?"

"No."

"What about hockey? How was hockey this weekend?"

"We won our game," I said in a bored tone. "I played on the first line. I got into a fight."

"Well, those are some positives," Dr. Marshall replied. "Besides the fighting of course."

He said it like he was making a joke, but he wasn't. It was a lighthearted start to the beginning of his analysis of me.

"Why did you fight?" he asked.

I shrugged again. "Hockey is a physical sport. It just happens."

I left out that it was against someone I knew, that it was a physical response to me being unable to control my emotions. He probably already knew that part anyway.

"But you fight out of anger, right?" Dr. Marshall asked. It was rhetorical. He knew that was the reason. "Something on the ice makes you angry, so you react physically. How does it make you feel when you fight?"

"I don't feel anything," I responded. "Just the anger."

"So, fighting is a product of your anger, to release it in a physical way. But it doesn't actually make that anger go away. It stays, it lingers."

I had no idea what to say to that. I never had any idea what to say.

"Remember how we talked about anger being a secondary emotion?" Dr. Marshall asked.

Of course, I remembered. It instantly made me angry when he said it because it reminded me of Wren and the way he liked to analyze me. He had said the same thing and I hated that he was right.

I nodded.

"What are some emotions that lead you to being angry?"

"Embarrassment. Shame. Sadness." Guilt. Fear.

Dr. Marshall nodded. "It's good that you can pinpoint those emotions. You know what's causing the anger, where those emotions come from."

I didn't say anything, so Dr. Marshall continued.