SHIELDER (CPAGS Epilogue)

Part 19

Tinulungan ako ni Kuya Hunter sa paghahanap ng therapist ko. He was even willing to go abroad just to look for a therapist who could help me dahil mas advance raw ang medicine sa ibang bansa. But I told him I didn't want to go outside the country just for my medication. I want to receive help here in the Philippines. Where my home was.

Pakiramdam ko kasi, mas malulungkot ako kapag nasa ibang bansa kahit na kasama ko naman sina Kuya. But... our friends were here.

And... Rey.

I don't know. Ang pakiramdam na malapit lang s'ya ay mas nakakapagpakalma sa 'kin. Ayokong mas... mapalayo sa kanya. It felt lonely.

I know we've broken up but... She's still my home. I don't want to get any farther from my home.

After meeting therapist after therapist, I finally got someone that I was comfortable with. It was Mrs. Pineda again who immediately recognized me. She smiled as soon as I walked into her clinic.

"Gray... It's been a long time, huh? How are you?" she said.

Looking at her as she sat on the couch that was in front of me brings back memories. Naaalala ko pa ang takot ko noon. The feeling that I just wanted to bolted out of her clinic and never go back again. Nandoon pa rin ang takot sa 'kin pero nilalabanan ko na 'yon ngayon.

I smiled at Mrs. Pineda.

"Ang tagal na ho nu'ng huli akong nagpunta rito sa clinic n'yo. Naaalala n'yo pa rin ako."

"Of course... Bigla ka na lang hindi nagparamdam. I tried contacting you pero walang sumasagot." She took a deep breath. "Though I understand. You were young back then. Naiintindihan ko kung hindi ka pa handa noon."

Right. I wasn't ready back then. Kahit ngayon pa rin naman. Pero mas matindi ang nararamdaman kong takot noon. I was alone. I didn't know what was happening to me.

"But now that you're here, can I assume that you're ready to receive medication now?" Mrs. Pineda asked.

I looked at her. Sinubukan kong tantyahin ang nararamdaman ko. I was still afraid but... I could also feel the courage and hope in me. Knowing that my brother was just outside the clinic, waiting for me.

I smiled and nodded at my psychiatrist.

"Yes. Ready na po ako."

It was hard at first. Finally admitting and accepting the fact that I have DID when I've been denying it all my life and wish I didn't really have it. That I really did have alters, my head mates, and they were real.

But it's bearable now compared to before. Because Kuya was now with me. I had his support. Just knowing that he was there, that he still accepted me and that he didn't feel disgusted when he found out about my condition was enough for me to give me motivation.

And of course, the thought of Rey. The memories I had with her and the love that she gave me. They were all that kept me going. They gave me courage.

Dahil sa kanya, ginusto kong maging maayos. Because until now, I'm still hoping for that small chance... That small chance that I could still be with her despite having this condition.

Hindi na gano'ng kadalas ang sudden switching ng mga alter ko when I started having my therapy. Mrs. Pineda also gave me meds for my hallucinations, migraines, anxiety, depression, and some other pills that could help me live every day.

At first, I was taking sleeping pills. Hirap kasi akong makatulog kahit na nando'n na ako sa bahay nina Kuya at Artemis. It was far from being empty, especially with the twins, that sometimes, they would both wake up in the middle of the night and would both start crying loudly. Rinig na rinig sa buong kabahayan ang iyak ng kambal.