cardigan, a. butler

one hundred & ten

one hundred & ten, gasping for air

*TRIGGER WARNING*

*mentions of ed and suicidal thoughts*

after the premiere at graceland, elsie had gotten a flight to chicago and had landed not that long ago.

it was a short drive from the airport to her hotel and the actress was more than ready to be alone in her room.

once she had successfully checked into the hotel, she made the short venture towards her room.

olivia was asleep, so, elsie was just going to immediately fall asleep once she reached her room.

"goodnight roxie." elsie smiled at her manager before unlocking her hotel room and walking in, only to find jackie sitting on the bed.

"what are you doing here? shouldn't you be at home planning your wedding?" elsie asked her sister as she fully entered the room, the door shutting behind her.

"i came to see you, elsie." jackie frowned.

"you would've seen me in a few weeks when we went shopping for your dress, jackie. you didn't need to come all this way just to see me." elsie laughed as she placed her things onto the empty space beside jackie.

"i'm actually really tired and i deserve a shower after tonight." elsie sighed as she begun to take off her jewelry.

"i know, elsie." jackie stated as elsie stood still.

"i told hayden to keep it a surprise but i guess he couldn't help it. sinner's desire is actually being screened at the venus film festival." elsie smiled with excitement.

"that's great news, ellie. i'm really happy for you but that's not what i was talking about and you know that."

"i don't know what you think you might know but you don't. so don't even start with me, jackie." elsie huffed as she kept her back towards her sister.

"i know more than you think, elsie. i'm your sister." jackie told her sadly.

"oh yeah? so you know how i can't have kids without ivf and even if i do go through that, i have a 50% chance of the embryo being viable?" elsie remarked.

"so you know how it's been killing me having to know i won't ever be a mom naturally?" elsie asked softly.

"so you know how it'll literally kill me going through childbirth?" elsie spat angrily as tears filled her eyes.

"did you know that?" elsie spat as she glared at her sister through the mirror.

"no but that's because you think you have to put up this strong front when in reality, you don't. i saw how much it killed you to abort yours and luke's child. it hurt me seeing you go through that and i couldn't do anything to help ease your pain." jackie whispered sadly.

"and it's hurting me seeing what you're doing to yourself because of comments on the internet, ellie."

"it's hurting you? really?" elsie asked with a scoff.

"my whole life, i was compared to you. how you were much prettier than me and how much thinner you were. my whole life i was always receiving comments on my weight while you were praised for your figure. what i do to myself does not fucking concern you."

"it concerns me when you're killing yourself, elsie! it all starts with losing a couple of pounds but then it leads to purging and then it leads to cutting your portions in half before cutting out food in your diet, elsie." jackie exclaimed as elsie stared at her with tears in her eyes.

"i'm fine, jackie. i'm standing here in front of you, aren't i?" elsie retorted.

"but you're not the same girl that left for tour a few weeks ago. you're thinner, much thinner. your cheeks are hollow and you don't have that light in your eyes anymore."

"do you even know what it feels like to have someone comment on your weight? telling you how you've gained quite a few pounds? how your ex moved onto someone prettier and thinner? how your weight gain is the reason why he cheated on you? how your weight gain will make people lose interest in you? do you what that feels like?" elsie asked

"and it's not just comments, jackie. it's news outlets and paparazzi going after you on a day to day basis, drowning you in hateful words that make you want to absolutely die. that make you want to end it all because the world would be a much better place if it didn't have someone like me invading it's space." elsie cried as jackie watched sadly.

"all because of a character that's dead. of course she's thin, she's a fucking corpse." elsie cried as she fell to the ground, jackie immediately pulling elsie towards her as the girl sobbed.

"i don't want to do this anymore, jackie. i'm so tired." elsie cried as she held onto jackie while the eldest verona sister tried her best to not sob at her sisters devastating words.

"i don't wanna be here anymore, jackie." elsie sobbed.

"oh, gwennie." jackie whispered as she let the tears fall.

jackie had never heard elsie this distraught in her life and for her to hear her sister saying she wanted to die instead of living absolutely destroyed her.

but jackie knew that she couldn't let elsie go on like this.

she couldn't resume with her life when elsie desperately needed her there with her.

she made a promise to herself the night that elsie had broken down after her procedure, that she'd never let elsie go through this alone.

"i want it to stop. i don't wanna feel like this anymore." elsie cried.

"it's okay, ellie. i'll help you get the help you need." jackie whispered as she rested her chin on top of elsie's head.

the two sisters stayed like that until elsie's sobs had stopped.

jackie helped elsie into the shower before leaving her alone to relax.

while elsie was in the shower, jackie pulled her phone out and called elsie's manager.

it only rung a few times before roxanne had answered.

"jackie?" roxanne asked through the phone.

"hey roxie. um, we need to put elsie in therapy again." jackie told her as she glanced at the bathroom door.

"what? what happened?" roxanne asked with worry.

"it's getting bad again. and, uh, i think it's worse this time around." jackie admitted as she felt her tears fill her eyes.

"if she goes on like this with no therapy or her antidepressants, i'm scared she actually kill herself. i can't watch my sister kill herself, roxie. it'll kill me." jackie cried as she covered her mouth to hide her sobs.

"do i call off the tour? is that what she needs?" roxie asked as she began to grab her laptop.

"this tour is the only thing that's keep her alive, roxie. it'll do more damager than good if we cancel the tour. i think it's best if we bring her therapist on the tour." jackie admitted before looking back at the bathroom door.

"and i think it's best i join you guys on tour. she needs someone here for her and i'm the only one that'll get through to her." jackie sighed as she wiped away her tears.

"if you think that's best, we'll do it. keep me posted, okay?"

"of course." jackie smiled before she ended the call.

for the rest of the night, the two girls laid intertwined, unaware of the troubling news circulating around the internet.

BELLA'S CORNER

this chapter literally hurt

i've dealt with an ed my entire high school years and suicidal thoughts and i just wanted to bring awareness to it because mental health and body image issues aren't talked about enough

if you ever need someone to talk to, i'm always here

you're never alone

i love you x