Dear Insanity

xCoffee and Cigarettesx

The summer air is cool on my face as I step outside, my pockets stuffed with everything Sam had given me. I'm wearing the sweatshirt and jeans that are a little bit too large for me, but it doesn't matter- i'm just glad to be out of the uniform I was required to wear. My combat boots pad loudly against the wet cement, and for the first time in a while, I laugh. Not loudly, of course, but a soft giggle escapes my lips as the rain beats down on me. I haven't been outside that institution since I was put in it, two years ago.

The streets of London are crowded, as they always were. Packed with a mix of tourists, street artists, and school children, the atmosphere is mixed with different emotions. I pull some money out of my pocket, playing with it in my hands and looking around for the one place I was so used to being around before the incident.

As the rain comes out in soft pats on the pavement, my own footsteps mingle into it, soothing me a bit to know this experience is all real. I'm free from these ties that bound me to that place, the ropes pulling me back to my family's suicides. I can become a new person, now, if I'd like. I'd still be Alexxa Ward, my given name, but I could change from the shy girl I always was. I could become friendly, maybe even get a job.

That is, if I decide to speak again.

I turn the corner, jogging up to the familiar, forest green building with little flowery vines growing around it. A small sign hangs in front of the glass door, reading 'Cafe Luna' on it. The place is almost empty, with the exception of the two workers and a few people sitting in crowds around the small tables. I walk in, going up to the counter and peeking my head over it for a familiar face. My heart is beating wildly out of my chest- What if she doesn't recognize me? What if i've been forgotten, like the rest of my family?

"Sweetheart, is that-?" I turn to see Luna, the owner of the shop and my mother's old friend. We were very close before everything happened; i'd spend weekends at her house and helped her at the coffee shop during the week. Her warm brown eyes widen, and she cries out a bit, wrapping her thin arms around me. "I thought you were dead," She whispers, and I can feel a wet tear soak through the fabric of my sweatshirt. 

I shake my head, meeting her eyes. She looks concerned, but she has a right to be. "Are you okay? What happened to you?"

I say nothing, swallowing and wiping a tear from her cheek. She starts to panic, backing a bit away from me. "Why won't you talk to me? What's wrong?" I dig into my pockets, pulling out my shiny new license and handing it to her. She examines it quickly, eyebrows furrowed.

"B-but.." She stutters quietly, somewhat in awe. "Your not Alexxa. Your mother is." She pauses, glancing at the black print at the bottom. "Mute?" She hands it back to me. "You aren't mute. We've had so many conversations before.."

I shrug, wanting to speak but afraid if I do, i'll screw everything up. "Where were you?" Sighing but smiling quietly to myself, I pull out my wallet, handing her my discharge papers. "Holy shit. The institute?" I nod, letting her read it over. "Hallucinations?" I don't move, trying not to think of the many times the hallucinations took me over. It would only call them back, make me relive more moments of their deaths. She sighs, putting them back in and taking out a single euro. "I'm making you your coffee." She announces, I nod, and take my wallet, walking back out without a word and down the street.

Oh, how I wish I had the balls to talk to her. She's been through thick and thin with me, which amounts to everything. My mother was never there for me, too lost in an affair with her secretary to pay any attention to me or my brother. My father was a softie, although he was getting drunk with our bachelor neighbors every chance he had. It pretty much resulted in my older brother raising me, and he didn't do a great job of it.