Disequilibrium

Part 2: Sophomore Year - Scene 12

Love makes you do stupid things. I think I should know that more than anyone. It's scientifically proven that people in love lack judgement, which should ultimately explain why the hell I'm standing in front of Casper's house in the middle of the night.

I know he's not in so there's no point in me being here, but I can't seem to make myself go back home. I don't even know what possessed me to walk all the way over here in the first place. Insomnia led to me going out for fresh air, which shouldn't have led to me standing in front of his house in sweats and a tee shirt.

The house is dark. Mrs. Jeong's car is parked in the driveway, the black paint gleaming under the moonlight. I can't help wondering if she knows her husband is having a hard time without her. Is he possibly staring at her picture right now? Is he thinking of her? Mr. Jeong and I have a lot in common, I guess. We really do.

Summer's coming around. I can tell by the thick air surrounding me. I'm already sweating a little, which makes me consider turning back, but instead my feet guide me to the iron gate leading to his backyard. I hoist myself up and bring my body to the other side without much sound but a single creak. I haven't been to his backyard before, to be honest, but I know his bedroom faces it. Casper liked talking about how he enjoyed the scenery.

Love makes you stupid as hell. I mean it. Here I am, creeping through his backyard like some idiot while he's thousands of miles away. I mean, what the hell will this accomplish? Will it make him come back? It's pointless, really. No fucking point to it at all.

But I'm not going back. I know myself, and I know I won't leave until I'm satisfied. So I navigate my way to his window—I'm sure it's the second one on the right—and sit on the grass, staring at it.

I'm almost waiting for the moment the lights flick on and I see him standing there. He'd have that same grin on his face when he realises I wasted precious sleeping time to come all the way over. We'd first find a way for me to get inside without waking his mother, and once we do, he'd apologise for ruining my day with that damn painting. I'd forgive him and tell him how I really feel, in which he'd also tell me how he really feels, and things would be good again. I'll be able to sleep. I'll be able to eat. I'll be able to breathe.

But the light never comes on. The house remains dark, and I remain staring. The air is murky and I'm starting to sweat, but I don't move my eyes from his window. Not for a very, very long time.

 ***

Two months later

I'm broken. I know I am. I mean, anyone who doesn't go out or eat or sleep or smile or live isn't exactly sane. Dad says it's the hormones. Nichole thinks it's a teenage phase, and by the time things go back to normal (meaning Casper, I guess), I'll be fine. I think I should just put a goddamn gun in my mouth and end it all.

My life is quite tedious. Waking up is a pain. Going to school is a pain. Breathing is a pain. Things are just so boring nowadays. I feel bored. And even looking around, I can tell everyone else is bored too. There's nothing interesting to talk about with anyone; there's no gossip going around (at least none I'm interested in) and I don't know, everything just feels so goddamn slow.

But then I realise shit, he's not here. That's why everything's off. He's not here. There's nothing worth listening to other than what comes from Casper's mind, so I stop listening. And I don't think I'll ever listen again; not until he's back.

I haven't really been speaking to anyone as well. Nichole's the only one who can get much out of me, to be honest. Dad is Dad and Anila—well—damn. I've been ignoring her. I know she knows it, but she still doesn't quit trying to spark small talk now and then. I know she's still a little sour that I flaked out on her birthday party when she went out of her way to invite me, but what the hell was I supposed to do? I can't even talk to her without imagining a knife stuck right between her eyes. I can't stand it. Not because it's cruel, but because I can't have a damn knife at school.