The Bodyguard

39.

Sun filtered through mesh curtains, indicating the start of another morning — another day.

Jasper awoke first. His eyes fluttered, adjusting to the newly recognized sunlight. He felt calm. Beside him, Ace was still fast asleep. His head was turned away, as his arms rested lazily on his bare chest. Upon looking at him, Jasper felt his stomach sink with dread.

He'd fallen asleep quickly last night, at least he pretended to.

Jasper could sense Ace's indifference as he held him last night. In attempts to forget that horrid confession, Jasper closed his eyes and tried to let sleep overtake him as quickly as he could. He knew Ace knew he wasn't asleep. Rather, he couldn't face him after what he'd said.

But now it was morning, and Jasper was reminded of his mindless words. It was morning, and that embarrassment, dread and confusion threatened to swallow him whole again.

How could he have said something so careless?

And Ace pretended like it was okay. Like he didn't care. Blamed it on the sex and how intense it was. But when they had sex, it was always that intense, and never before did it prompt Jasper to say something so altering.

Jasper squeezed his eyes shut, tried to convince himself that everything would be okay. That Ace would wake up and they'd be able to go back to how they were. He tried with everything in him to convince himself that it was true, but to no avail.

Something told Jasper that Ace would awake, and he'd recognize that same look he'd had in his eyes last night. Something close to a pipe dream.

Would they even address it? Or would they simply kiss and fuck again, eager to erase the remnants of words that Jasper didn't mean, but Ace had hoped he did.

And of course, Jasper didn't mean it. He couldn't. He wouldn't.

Jasper tried to recall the last time he'd said those words to anyone. He racked his mind for the anything that would tell him he says it all the time.

He knew when the last time was and it'd been years.

He couldn't mean it because that would mean Ace could control him. It would mean that he'd given himself up in ways that he could never acquire again. It would mean that he'd have to deal with the prospect of unrequitedness.

He couldn't mean it because the last time he gave himself to someone in that way it destroyed him.

So, what else was there to do that brush it off as something infinitesimal?

Jasper watched him silently. Watched his chest rise and fall calmly, seemingly unbothered by what had transpired last night. He watched as the light touched Ace's skin in a way that illuminated it.

Most of all, Jasper was watching himself. Because Ace had taken him for all that he was. Every bit of Jasper was wrapped up in Ace. He couldn't separate himself from the guard, even if he wanted to.

Jasper shook off his relentless thoughts, as he tried to slip back into his place under the covers without making too much noise.

He knew he failed when he saw Ace stir beside him. Jasper cursed to himself, trying again to be as silent as possible, but to no avail.

When Ace spoke, his voice was raspy and low, causing Jasper to internally shudder.

"How long have you been watching me sleep?"

Ace, with his eyes still closed, had a slight tease behind his syllables. Jasper pursed his lips.

"I wasn't. I've only been awake for ten minutes."