It was almost Love

How Could I?

Questions ramble in my head as I try to figure out what drew me to you.

It wasn't your charm, your voice, or your face. Your attitude could have used some adjustment and what you call manners, I call imbecile. You're foolish to think that your words hold meaning and pretend to be a well groomed puppy of society. 

I feel poor and small around you, not always, but when you get into those old tired sports rants and start to attack the players from an angle you know they can't defend, I simply think, how dare you?

I met you at a friend's place. You sat on your ass while you guzzled on the free alcohol. You had no intention of meeting me, learning my name, or even meeting your eyes with mine. 

How could I?

How could someone like me fall for such a terrible person like you?

You have good intentions, try to do right by every girl you date. Yet when the night takes over it's me you call in your drunken state, it's me you walk back to the room, it's me you wonder about when you're lonely. 

My friends give you passes on being a good person because you like to take care of me. You hold me up when I can't stand and when I needed someone to scream at, you take my abuse so well. 

You've been the only one that can handle my abuse. 

I argue that being able to take my abuse doesn't give you the rights to me. You don't get to warm my bed or tell me how I feel about you.

The way you laugh makes my skin crawl and I want to throw a fucking chair at your face to shut you up, and yet I love to tell you my jokes. Share our humor while we eat at the place I picked out for you. 

I hate those noises that you make when you're tired, I hate when you try to be funny, and I hate most fucking of all, is how much I want to be close to you. 

I once promised myself to you and you made me a fucking option. If I'm not enough for you then you don't even get to be one of my options. 

Don't come crawling back on the vine that once held the words, 'I love you'. I cut it. 

Don't tell my friend that you want to kiss me in the middle of the room, don't tell people that you're a good guy because you didn't force yourself on me when I was drunk. Don't tell me another fucking time that you love me because I know you don't know that they means. 

How could I fall for the boy I don't even find attractive?

How could I fall for the boy I had to tell myself would make a good boyfriend?

How I could allow him to morally and ethically disagree with me all because it's a joke?

His habits are too gross and even though I promised him my body all those nights ago, I can't imagine him getting to see me naked. It's ugly under his shirt. 

No amount of sweet words or soft looks in a crowded room have allowed him to say I'm his. 

I've kissed his friends and allowed them to touch me in places he once told me he'd pray to be. How could you compare me to your religion and then become a god damn fucking atheist? 

I gave it all for you. 

I've been in love before and others have told me that's impossible, every boy I've loved has dated one of my friends and has never dated me, but when it comes to you I'm not sure what I feel. 

When I say I love you, it all feels empty, it's not true. 

After the night you told me and we all wore red, I thought I should say it back. How could I fall for you?

After these years of whatever we are or were, I think I've decided that I don't love you. 

In the words we exchange through text:

We're just friends, right?

Always have been

Always will be

You don't get me. How could I fall for a guy like you?

I didn't.