A Storm Is Brewing

31st December | Part 1

Today wasn't just any day; it was thee day. A day I often dreaded. It was hard to convey to others why I had dreaded today so much in the past, but I had often thought of the person I would marry having a room full of people and my side being empty. I think it came from a place of insecurity; I suppose that second place love feeling. I always thought that it would come to the time and my mum would make the decision not to attend. I imagined the awful position that would put my family in and that I would suddenly find myself having to do the selfless thing of telling them it's okay, I understand when they told me they couldn't attend for fear of upsetting mum. If Rhys wouldn't attend, then neither would Dad nor Liv.

I hadn't made many friends growing up; I made acquaintances through work, but very rarely friendships. That was the world of law; you never truly knew who was on your side and who was just in it for the advice, tip-offs, and news headlines. When I think back now to Hannah, I guess there was a part of me that liked that dynamic we had of just being together. It was never a question of which friends we would visit because both of us were happy to be as one; Leah and I didn't have that at first, and it's hard to think of today without thinking of the argument that it caused and my revelation that changed the way she looked at me forever.

Flashback:

Leah and I had been official for just a few weeks, separated by distance but closer than ever. I thought nothing could change that. I thought I would never lie to her. Neither of those were true, though, and instead I found myself telling her that I had to go off the phone because I was heading out with some friends and would call her when I was home. I wasn't.

Weird lie to tell, right?

It all began when I watched an interview that Leah had done, and my Instagram feed was full of interview snippets. She spoke of how she hated not being busy and would often spend her evenings doing just about anything to get out of her apartment. I brought it up with her, thinking that maybe she had some kind of underlying stress that made her unwilling to be on her own, but I ended up making myself feel worse.

"It would be really weird, at my age, if I were to just go to training, play matches, and then sit at home. People would think I had no mates." She chuckled.

Those words lived rent-free in my head for the next week, until tonight, when I decided that this was the best course of action. Maybe she was right; maybe it was weird that I was just going to work and then sitting at home; maybe she had started to notice that I only ever told her I was going to Dad's and then home again. Not tonight, though.

I spent the entire day texting and calling friends to organise something, being politely declined by each of them or just left on read. By the time work finished, I stayed until every other person had left the office in the hope that someone would be going for a drink. No one was, though, or at least they didn't invite me if they were. My only option was to pretend that I was doing something, insecure that Leah was starting to think I was a bit of a bore or a loner.

I tried to stay awake until the usual time that people return home from nights out, but I failed miserably. I woke at some point during the night to find my phone out of charge tucked underneath me. I ran from the sofa to my bedroom, plugging my phone in and checking the time on the clock: 6:07 a.m. Shit. I hoped Leah would be asleep and that I could text her that I was home late and she would never know any different, but my fears were confirmed when my phone turned on and notifications filled my screen.

Leah [2.01am]
You still out, babe?

Leah [2.37am]
Hey Soph, sorry to be a pain, but could you let me know you're okay?