𝐦𝐲 𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧 **𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧 𝐝𝐮𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐲 𝐱 OC **

stuff better left unsaid

I don't know why I feel like this is my only way to let anything out but it is. I'm happy I guess, actually I just say I'm happy sometimes to take away from the guilt that many people suffer much more than me and the feeling that my problems are a burden to society. Fear is something I greatly struggle with and the problem is I can't fix it. 

The fear of failure, the fear I don't have time, the fear I will waste away my childhood because of how devoted I am to school, the fear of death. The fear of death is something that comes to attach to my thoughts, right before I sleep. Fear is something that humans have stayed alive with for so many years but why do I feel that it is slowly killing me by letting me into the darkness of my own mind. Pulling me in as if I am worthy to enter, as if no one in the world needs me. Death is such a scary thing, I fear what will happen after and all the things that could lead to my downfall. Any misstep and I am off of the Earth, and I fear I may never return to the ones I love. Isn't that silly? Shouldn't I have more faith? 

My faith is there, believe me when I tell you this, but God can only do so much for a sinner with utter insanity. Have I no shame at times? So many people go through worse and the best I could come up with, is this fear that devours me at night? I feel foolish even looking in the mirror, I feel like a Hamlet in this world. 

A person who thought things through with time, but was still killed for their cleverness, is this all that life is, one big black hole that continues to add problems to a plate that is already filled with problems.

I don't understand how we all work so hard just to die, alone. You could be surrounded by people you love, and in your final moments, as you take that last shallow breath and give your farewells to the cruel world, you are alone, you are leaving the Earth alone. Even writing about this stuff makes my breathing shallow. I only find true comfort in prayer and the small voice in my head telling me my family and I are far from death, but I am scared it won't be like that forever. Everytime I watch my grandparents get older, fear takes over my body. I look at them and think what will happen in 20 years, if they will be there, and I know they might not be. In those moments, I feel like I'm five again, and seeing their faces. I was a five year old who loved this world too much, with a greedy heart hoping that it would stay like this forever. I know this is not true but it felt good, and now I don't even know if I'll make it past 20, where has everything I worked hard for gone? What has the world come to? And people telling me what I am and how my school work is the only thing that defines me at this point. 

I'm tired of people telling me who and what I am, as if my outlook on myself isn't bad enough. At times, I can't decipher if I am even a good person, it's as if I can't remember what good I have done for the world. How are people telling me who I am when I don't know myself who I am? That's not fair. If I judge people I'm rude, but everyone can just judge me and I have to take it. How can I be anything if I haven't found myself? 

If anything I wish I was myself, my judgment is now clouded by the opinions of others and I just wish 5 year old me was proud, but I know deep down, I don't even remember what she wanted because I let people get the best of her and decided to shield her from whatever reality had in store for her by distracting her with fantasies that would only hurt her. It was self sabotage. I wish I could tell you who I was a year ago but I honestly can't, all I know is she's far gone, and I'm left with what I am now. School, at this point for me at least, defines my worth, but I would never let anything above a 40 kill my pride. I am a monster, and I find that wherever I go, I never feel at rest. 

I don't know why everything is getting so bad but I fear it will only get worse from here. 

- Tristan D