You're The Straw To My Berry (Phan)

Part thirty-five

Chris P.O.V.

I glanced over at Phil who was staring into space, completely absorbed in his thoughts.

It had been almost a week since Dan left, and Phil didn't show emotions anymore. He just had blank expressions now, but I was certain that when he closed his bedroom door each night he cried himself to sleep. I had heard him once or twice, but he tried to stay strong to show me he was okay. I knew he wasn't though, so I wasn't sure why he was hiding it from me.

I had been using Phil's clothes and shower and I knew I would have to go home at one point, but I was slightly scared about leaving him alone. At the same time I was worried sick about PJ and his state, I hadn't heard from him since the morning after I called him but I didn't want to offend Phil by saying that I was leaving him for PJ.

I felt torn between the two, but maybe allowing Phil to be alone for a while would do him good.

"Phil?" It took a moment for him to respond but he looked at me. "I'm going home for a bit, but I'll see you soon, yeah? Tell me if you hear anything from Dan, I'll come see you tomorrow," he nodded and moved so he could hug me.

"Thank you Chris, you've been amazing."

"It's okay," he released me and smiled then showed me out.

I practically ran home, desperate to see PJ. I had missed him despite what happened, but until today the need hadn't been so great.

I braced myself for the worst as I unlocked the door to our apartment that appeared to be empty when I stepped in. It was exactly as it was before the party. I was glad he hadn't trashed the place but it told me he hadn't really been living.

"Peej?" I called out, hoping he was home. I heard footsteps coming from his room and seconds later he appeared in the door.

"Chris!" He bounded over to me and flung his arms around my neck, holding me close to him. "I didn't think you were ever coming back," I felt guilty, but maybe it gave him the chance to think about what he had done.

"Well I wasn't leaving you forever."

"I missed you," I barely heard it and couldn't help but feel like he was embarrassed.

"I missed you too. How have you been?"

"Terrible," he looked it too. When he pulled away I could see he had lost weight again and his face was pale. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy and they had lost their sparkle.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out but I wasn't sure why I said it. Being his best friend, I should've looked after him but I couldn't be in two places at once. And he was 22; he could take care of himself, right?

"It's not your fault, Chris. I made this mess. So haven't you heard from Dan? At all?" I shook my head. The last time anyone had heard from Dan was me, and apart from the note he left behind for Phil we had no idea where he could be. We tried ringing him, texting him, tweeting him, messaging him, but nothing.

I couldn't help but blame myself. If I didn't tell him to leave, maybe he would still be here.

"Chris, you don't think he's-" 

"No," I cut him off sharply. I refused to believe it. I knew he wouldn't be. "Give him time. If we haven't heard from him for another week, we'll do something. He needs space too,” I sounded confident but PJ didn't look convinced. "He's fine, trust me. I just have a feeling." 

"Okay... It's just, I can't stop thinking about it. What have I done, Chris?" 

"You've screwed things up, but that's only because you love him." 

"I don't want to love him anymore," tears filled his eyes again and brought him back into a hug. 

"You won't have to soon, I promise." 

"I'm sorry Chris." 

"Why?" 

"I know I hurt Phil, but I hurt you too. I can't ever forgive myself. I love you Chris, I'm sorry," it wasn't kind of love I wanted from him, but it was the next best thing. 

"It's okay, I forgive you. I love you Peej. Now, go shower and I'll make us something." 

* * * 

The evening crawled around and we were watching a film together. PJ was clinging to me like he was scared he was going to lose me. I enjoyed the notion though and snuggled into him, his arm around my waist, my head on his shoulder and his head resting on mine.

This was what I missed. This was what I needed. Just being close to someone made me happier than words could describe.

 And we just fell asleep like that, perfectly content with what we had.