I looked at everything around me blearily, scrutinizing where I was. Was I dead? I thought because everything seemed foggy with my eyes. I rubbed them to clear my vision and thoughts. I was in the same room I slept in last night. Sleeping pills, didn't kill me! I was still in my personal hell. Yes, personal hell, my life! I looked out the window, the sky was red and violet. It was dawn.
"Were the pills expired? They just had no affect on me. I slept, what, like 3 hours ago. And got up so easily and early. I had a terrible headache, though."
I talked to myself. Who else did I have to talk to, now? No one.
I thought of some other ways to die as my first plan failed. But couldn't come up with something. Then, google came to my mind. I would surely find something from google. I found my phone in the back pocket of the jeans I was wearing from yesterday. Before going further with the search of 'ways to commit suicide', I went to the washroom. I stood infront of the mirror. I looked at myself. I looked so scruffy. My eyes all swollen, red and the skin all dark underneath my eyes with all the crying and thinking. My hair, all a mess. My lips all dry and white. I resembled very closely to a zombie.
I splashed water on my face after turning on the tap on the tap and my eyes didn't enjoy the cold water much as it caused pain. I came back to bed and sat down taking my phone into my hands. I pressed the lock button to bring my phone back to life. I had switched it off for the funeral. The apple logo appeared on the screen and after a few seconds, I had my lock screen with the minions. I slided the arrow to unlock it. It asked for the password. My hands trembled to type the password. I still had not changed my password. It still was Theo's name encoded in 4 numbers. I noticed the time as the homescreen appeared. It was 7 p.m. My eyes fixated at the 'p.m.'. I scrolled the notification centre down. It was full of notifications of missed calls, messages, WhatsApp, Instagram, Facebook and everything. I ignored all of them and tapped at 'Today' bar on the left of the 'All' bar in the notification centre.
"Fùck!" I muttered. Its been 17 hours since I went to sleep. So the pill did have a little effect of sleep on me. I had not eaten anything for four days now, just few sips of water. That's it! I was feeling a little dizzy.
I was suddenly into an outburst when again I had a flashback of past few days. I just couldn't understand what to do or where to go. I closed my search and left my phone on the bed. I walked out of the apartment without locking it. I just kept on walking and walking.
I don't know myself for how long I walked. I found myself outside the Bennett park. I stood there, still. I came there once or twice with mom and dad just after we moved to New York. I was so happy back then.
I remember dad telling me things about Bennett Park on that visit there. It is also known as James Gordon Bennett Park. It is located between Pinehurst and Fort Washington Avenues and West 183rd and 185th Streets in the Hudson Heights neighborhood of Washington Heights in northern Manhattan, on land purchased by Bennett in 1871, the year before his death. It sits opposite the northern Fort Washington Avenue entrance to the 181st Street subway station on the Eighth Avenue Line, serviced by the A train. I recalled telling him with such excitement while I was least bothered to even listen to him because I was busy admiring the views and children playing around.
It is so strange that only when people are no longer with us, we realise their importance and their words suddenly means so much. They suddenly have an unbearable weight. I wished if I could go back in time.
I had no idea what time it was now. I don't know how long it took me to be here. I started walking again and didn't stop until I reached the GW Bridge. I stood at the sidewalk. There weren't many people around on the sidewalk, although the lanes were busy with traffic. I could feel a light wind on my face while gazing down at the Hudson flowing.
