The Truth About You

Part Twenty

Aaron took me by the elbow and walked me out to the door. Jake stayed behind as Aaron and I drove to my house. I was quiet on the ride there, looking out the window. I could tell Aaron still felt guilty about everything, it was vibrating off of him like an energy. He parked in my driveway and unlocked the door.
I got out and then I saw his face. I realized what was going through his head. He thought that once I got in my house, I wouldn't come back out. He thinks this is the last time he'll see me. I walked back over to his window and knocked on it. He rolled it down, confused. JANE: "Hey. Don't worry. I'll come back. I know you think I hate you or whatever. But, the truth is... I never hated you. I just hated the way you made me feel. I hated that I couldn't help you. I hated how you pushed me away. But now that you're here... I can finally help you. And I can see that when I was with you before... I did help you in some way, and I had an influence over you. I'm glad."
AARON: "You don't know how much I wish you were right. But you're wrong. I haven't changed. I've gotten worse." I shook my head. JANE: "I don't believe you." AARON: "And I don't believe that you don't hate me. You have to. Everyone does." JANE: "Good thing I'm not like everyone." I walked up to my garage door and punched in the code. Thankfully nobody was home, so I was able to get my things without any struggle. I really didn't want to walk in looking like I had been beaten for my parents to see.
I could tell that Aaron was relieved when I came back out and sat down in the passenger seat. JANE: "I told you." AARON: "Yeah, well let's get you some medical supplies." JANE: "Okay." The rest of the day went by smoothly, Jake and Aaron didn't fight like little kids. Aaron and I watched some TV while Jake left. Aaron assumed he wouldn't come back until late at night. He didn't tell me why, and I didn't think I wanted to know. I felt a bit awkward being in the house with the two of them, being reminded of the last time that happened.
I was cautious, but I felt like things were going to be okay. As it got dark, I made something for dinner while Aaron took a shower. I thought he'd want to eat something from home, so I made something easy. Spaghetti. We ate in silence, and I could tell it was awkward for him too. He spoke first. AARON: "Uh, you're probably wondering why I want to keep you here. It's not against your will. I mean, you can leave if you want to. But I'd rather you stay."
JANE: "I know. It's okay, I don't really mind why. I have my theories. I chose to stay anyway." Aaron stopped eating. AARON: "I just... I wanted to ask. Why? Why are you not angry with me? Why aren't you afraid? How can you just sit next to me and act like everything is okay when... When a day ago, I wanted to... hurt you." I could tell he was struggling to tell me what was on his mind. I noticed how he replaced what he really wanted to say with the word, 'hurt'.
JANE: "Because. Everything is okay. Right now, it is. And I'd never want to be angry at you. I mean, I couldn't be afraid of you even if I wanted to anymore. I've become numb to trauma, I guess." AARON: "No, that doesn't make sense. Everything isn't okay. And you should be afraid." I think that Aaron was frustrated with me for not reacting like a normal person would.
But I guess I've always known I was never normal. JANE: "You said you won't hurt me anymore, and you said you were sorry. I told you I forgive you, so it's all good." AARON: "It's not. Don't tell me that, remember what I said? It makes it easier. And just because I said I wouldn't hurt you doesn't mean that is what will happen. You never know... I might just get tired of this."
JANE: "You're not being serious." AARON: "Maybe I am." JANE: "I know that will never happen. Because even when you did have intentions of hurting me, I saw the Aaron I remember. I know that he's still in you, you're just hiding that you away. And I know why too. But you can't control it forever. It's like an instinct to you, to protect me from your brother. Just like it was for me when you took me here last night. No matter how hard we try to hide it or how far we are from being ourselves... We can't help but stay away from our memories of what happened so long ago. We'll do anything to keep that from happening again."
AARON: "No, you don't know what it's like for me. To fight for control over something I barely have control over. You don't understand how hard it is for me to be around you." JANE: "I don't have to know what it's like to understand. I know what it's like to be helpless against something you don't have control over. To want to fix something you can't fix. To want something you can't have."
AARON: "Have you ever wanted someone you can't have? That's how I feel about you. That's why I don't want you to be okay with me. I don't just want you as a person, I want you in ways you'd never think of. It's not a good thing for me to want you." JANE: "And it's not a good thing for me to want to stay. Yet, here I am, and here you are. You worry too much about me, I can take care of myself. Plus, I'm safer here with you, you said it yourself."
AARON: "You're only safe when neither Jake nor me are around. That's the truth. You're better without us, so why are you here?" JANE: "I'm not sure. Maybe it's because I don't care about what's better for me. Maybe it's because I care about what's better for you. I mean, I said I'd rather go to hell than put myself before you. So, I think you already know the answer to that."
As I cleaned up dinner, Jake came back. And Aaron put on his serious face again. He would never open up when his brother was around. JAKE: "Mm, smells good. What did you guys have for dinner?" JANE: "Spaghetti. Nothing special. There's leftovers if you want them." Jake laughed. JAKE: "Wow. Is the kindness from you? I thought I'd never see that." JANE: "Ha, ha. Funny. If you think this is kind, then people must treat you horribly."
AARON: "You bet, and he deserves it." JAKE: "And there's that insult I was waiting for. Well, I'm going to my room and chill. I'll take a plate with me. Don't be messing around." I rolled my eyes, and went to get ready for bed.
Before I could get my things, Aaron pulls me to his room and closed the door.