city of stars

XLII

"Now." Changbin hissed, pushing Hyunjin into the apartment.

They’ve just seen Chan leave the building, and Felix had gotten up to shower, leaving the front door unwisely unlocked.

Hyunjin slipped into Chan’s bedroom, settling down on the bed to wait. He had seen Felix briefly a few times in the City, always from afar, and everytime, his throat closed up and his feet ached to take him in his direction.

Everytime he had to turn away, swallowing down the bile in his throat.

And now, finally, he had his opportunity. An hour with Felix. An entire hour. It seemed too long, and yet too little. How could he say all the things he wanted in an hour? How could an hour possibly be enough, when before entire evenings had flown by like seconds.

It seemed like the sand in the hourglass of time trickled down too fast and now matter how hard he tried to cradle it, to hold it close to his chest, his favorite moments become memories, like a freight train speeding away. The present became the past, and the future the present. Nothing was definite but the thoughts in his mind and the eyes watching him from the darkness.

The morning sun had yet to rise, but already citizens began pouring out onto the empty streets of the City. Felix sat high up in his dorm, leaning against the window to watch the ant-like people below. In his lap lay yet another file, open to a photograph and a floor plan.

“Kim Seungmin. 22 years of age. Convicted Criminal.” Minho’s handwriting was near illegible, and Felix’s constant folding of the small post-it hadn’t helped its legibility. “Suspected of treason.”

“Kim Seungmin.” he said out loud, remembering the small boy at the ward. Seungmin’s brother.

“You need to do something. Something besides moping around all the time.” Minho had told him, shoving the folder into his hands. “Here’s the information on that guy you wanted.”

He didn’t know how Minho got it. He didn’t want to know either. The stubborn set of his jaw made his muscles ache, but he couldn’t relax.

Was he really doing this? Pulling his hoodie tighter around him, Felix got up, wandering into his bedroom. Setting the folder down on the small nightstand, he turned to his closet, throwing the doors open.

Rows upon rows of black and white clothing greeted him. White sweaters and shirts, spotless pants and even a skirt.

He took out a black turtleneck and a pair of dress pants. It was less noticeable. After all, black was viewed as a superior choice to the angelic white. More powerful, drawing more respect.

But at the end of the day, it was just a color.

He slipped the clothing on, feeling it hug his body and weigh down on his mind. The layers felt like too little to shield his intentions from the guards.

Felix grabbed a necklace from his desk drawer, looping it around his neck, shaking fingers fastening the small clasp at the back.

Looking in the mirror, he saw a young blond boy looking back. His hair was starting to lose the pure white color, fading into a warmer, more suiting shade. It was long, falling in messy waves to his chin, and as he combed it back, he wondered if he should tie it back. Deciding against it, he ran a hand through it again, butterflies settling in his stomach — another part of him.

There was something else Minho had given him. A small brown pill. Inconspicuous and tempting.

“For the nerves.” He had said, winking. “Makes your dreams come true for an hour.” 

There was something odd about that interaction, like there was another pair of eyes watching them. But when he had looked around, there was no one there.

Felix glanced at the clock. He had 2 hours before he had to meet Changbin. Glancing at the pill, he bit at his lip, wondering if it was worth it. How effective can it really be? How much did he trust Minho?

The last question was a no brainer, so Felix shrugged and walked into the kitchen, stopping to grab a black pair of heeled boots he liked. They were low, no more than an inch, but he didn’t need a big boost. He wasn’t the type that liked to tower over others.

The heels clicked across the wooden floor as he made his way into the kitchen, reaching into the cupboard for a glass of water, shutting the small wooden door. The glass clinked against the counter as he set it down.

The water filter was empty, and he went over to the sink to fill it with water, pushing open the tap and watching the water fill it to the brim, trickling down the filter.

The mundane actions give him time to reconsider. Was it silly? Optimistic?

And yet he couldn’t help but hope. Hope, as the droplets splashed in the container below, one by one. Hope, as the last of the water filtered, and the kitchen fell silent again.

Hope, as he poured it in the glass, its coldness seeming more appetizing than a five course meal. He wanted. He wanted so much.

Setting the filter down felt like a finality.

Picking up the glass of water, Felix popped the small pill in his mouth, setting it in the center of his tongue and chasing it down with cold water. It was refreshing, soothing his throat, hoarse from the crying and weeping that had accompanied him to bed every night. The room spun for a second, and he could’ve sworn that down the hall, a door creaked open.

He opened his eyes, not being aware of ever closing them. Nothing had changed. He didn’t feel any different.

Sighing, he couldn’t even bring himself to be disappointed.

The glass was set down in the sink to be washed later as Felix walked back towards his bedroom, deciding to look over Seungmin’s file one more time with a fresher mind. Double check all the details.

But as soon as he stepped into the room, he felt it.

The dream-like haze. The pill had gone into effect.

“Bokk-ah.”