It's Just Ann

Chapter 17 - Cherry Blossoms

Shöjo: genre in manga, aimed specially for teenage girls, normally dealing with romance.

Mamarracho: In Spanish: has no taste, dresses horridly.

~·~

I get obsessed with the idea I might fancy Gareth so I can't stop thinking about it. It's like the mere thought has stuck in my head and won't leave even if I have to concentrate on something else, like an important meeting. So I find myself thinking of the actor, wondering what he's doing and trying to discern between romantic feelings and admiration. It is for sure I do look up to him, to someone so successful and great at what he does, but I need to figure out if there's more.

Okay, no, I don't need to. It's not like it's part of my job or something is in danger if I do not, but for my mental sake I think it's good to find that answer so I can accept, deal with it, and possibly move on.

So far I've thought of what I might do in either case. If it turns out it's just my celebrity crush and admiration then life carries on just as it's been so far, which is the perfect outcome because I have enough to deal with already. I've watched enough films to know how love-related issues complicate lives. Not because these are that intricate but because a teenager in love tends to overthink and make a fuss out of something way more simple. But in the case my crush has evolved and become a real one, then I have to decide what to do. I can confess and be rejected like every secondary character in all the mangas I've read or I can hide my secrets, secretly harbouring the hope that he might eventually develop feelings for me and made the first move.

When I only come with those two options I realise I've read more mangas than I realised and that I should really read more books to change a bit my scope of possibilities. Shöjo mangas tend to follow the same events in just different order so I don't have much examples and my own personal life isn't something that can help me. I've gone out on a date just once. A guy asked me out and I accepted because I honestly found him cute but our date wasn't a disaster or anything, it was just... boring. We didn't have anything in common and I couldn't find a way to break the ice so our date was actually very awkward and when it ended I was very glad. Needless to say, he never asked me out again.

And that's all my experience.

So I honestly hope Cece is reading too much between the lines and coming up with groundless theories because I'm not sure if I'd be able to deal with a real crush and all the work I have to take care of. If I were a normal seventeen-year-old girl, going to college I would probably have time, or probably no because knowing me I would be trying my best to do decent enough to not humiliate my family. My grandma is Japanese, she always had me studying when I was in school, especially because I wasn't the brightest student. She hired private tutors and had me studying even on weekends but the results were never what she expected. I know that if I were in college now I wouldn't even see the sun, I'd be studying the whole time.

Maybe I do have more time now after all.

What I've done to try to figure out what I really feel is to watch him more closely and pay attention to the way I react. I also contrast that with how I feel when watching, for instance, Jonah or any other actor. I think all of them are really good but in all honesty, none of them capture me so much that I actually forget we are shooting a movie and this isn't really happening. But that's probably just because Gareth's talent is beyond anyone else's in the set.

But even so, when he's not acting my eyes end up following him and paying more attention to him, even if he's just reading lines and preparing for the next scene. I think that's a clue that I don't just admire him like the other actors.

I've also noticed that I get considerably nervous when he approaches me and my heart races a bit when he smiles, even if it's one of those almost imperceptible smiles that only I can see. I get self-conscious and I've noticed I also pay more attention to the way I look in the morning when I remember I'll be seeing him in the set.