Ocean Of Need

💜 21 🖤 Deliberate

April 6th Continued...

It's the first time he's asked me to be still while he paints. He sits me on a kitchen chair. Moves my shoulders to get exactly the line of me that he needs for his work, then pulls my head upwards, lengthening my spine.

He steps back, assessing me, and says, 'Perfect.'

'Am I allowed to talk while you paint?'

'Of course you are,' he says, as he lines his paints and brushes beside the easel. 'I love watching your face as we talk.'

'You always have a reason for everything,' I smile. 'I love that about you. Everything thought through and deliberate.'

He catches me in his gaze. 'Is that how you see me?'

'Yes. Isn't that how you see yourself?'

'I think you see the best in me, Lilah.'

'Or maybe I see the real you.'

He looks sad when I say that and this time he takes a little longer to answer. 'I hope you'll always think of me that way. I hope you know that I always think of you. Always want the best for you.'

My heart sinks, 'Why do you always sound like you're saying goodbye?

He eyes me thoughtfully, sitting in the chair next to his easel and says, 'I'm not saying goodbye. Not ever. I'm saying that I want everything for you. I want you to see everything in you the way I do. To know how wonderful you are. I just have a feeling that if you get to know the real me, you might doubt me.'

'But I do see the real you. The way you are with me is so real. So honest. You always give me what I need and protect me from the things I don't.'

'I can honestly say that protecting you is the most real me. I couldn't stop doing that if I tried.' He picks up his brush, dips it in the ocean green and sweeps it across the canvas.

'It's strange though. We've known each other such a short time, and yet when I'm with you I feel like I'm home.'

'I want to be your home. I want you to live inside me always.' He pours black paint onto the plate, mixes it with the ocean green. 'Lilah?'

'Yes?'

'We do still need to talk about your behaviour.'

'My what?' What's he talking about?

He paints as he says, 'You didn't think I'd let that go, did you, Baby?' His voice is soft and threatening all at once.

It feels like he's reeling me into a trap. I'm so confused that I just can't work anything out.

'Behaviour?' I ask.

'With that girl.'

'Roxy?'

His jaw ticks as he looks up from the canvas, 'Was there more than one girl?'

'What? No... Fuck...' He's pissed off, that's what this is. 'Look Mac, I don't know what's going on here...'

He smiles but there's a glint in his eye that has me equal parts, hot with desire, and cold with fear. He runs his brush down the canvas and says, 'You must be very tired if you don't know what I mean.' Then his tone changes up again as he says, 'I'm going to put it simply for you, Lilah. Tell me why you think it's ok to play with someone else when you belong to me.'

Suddenly he's beside me. His hand wrapped around my pony tail.

I pull away from him but he holds firm. 'I wasn't playing with her. I just wanted to dance, to see the crowd from up in the cage.'

'But there was a moment Lilah. A moment that could have lead to something. I saw it happen. She put her arms each side of you. If it hadn't been for the cage moving you would have kissed her.' He pulls my ponytail tighter, making me gasp.

For a moment I feel terrible. Like I've let him down. Maybe there was a moment...but I don't think I'd have followed through on it. He tugs my pony tail tighter, and finally I snap. 'You left me on my own at the studio after telling me to kill my shame. I started to feel down. Like really fucking down. We'd been playing all day, why couldn't you stay longer and make sure I was ok?'

He takes a sharp intake of breath but I keep going.

'You'd already disappeared for three days. Then you gave me the toy for when you were away, but didn't say when you were going to be away. I didn't know if you were coming back and I didn't want to think about it. So I went out and got high.'

'Oh. Little Pet.' Speaking much more softly, he says, 'I was working. I couldn't call you. I wanted to, but it wasn't possible. I didn't abandon you. I'd never do that.'

As I hear the word abandon my heart cracks. Tears fall. Fuck.

His arms are around me, holding me close, rocking me, as he says, 'I'm here. I'm with you. You're Ok, I've got you.'

'You can't fucking talk the way you talk and then leave me like that. Not knowing if you'll come back.'

'Hey,' he says, drawing back and wiping my tears. 'I'm always with you. Even when I'm not here. I'm always thinking of you. I always want to be here. Work is busy sometimes but I'll always come back to you I promise. And if you miss me, just come here to the room and write and then I'll be back before you know it.'

He goes quiet for a while, like he's trying to say something but he doesn't know how.

'What is it?' I ask, my breath shallow, worrying about what he's going to say next.

'I need you to do something for me.'

'Yes?'

'I need you to stay away from Roxy. You don't know her. She's trouble and I really don't want you to be around her.'

'But she's my friend.'

'She's not you friend. Believe me.'

I nod, and clear the tears from my face. What the fuck is wrong with me? I never cry and yet here I am again.

'Good,' he says, smiling. 'Now, that that's sorted out, let's get back to work.' He brushes the hair from my face, puts me back in position and sits down at his canvas.

I don't have the energy to fight him on Roxy right now. I just want things to go back how they were. I want to talk about art and ideas and poetry so we can move on from this. But I won't be ditching Roxy, not for anyone. Because she's cool and funny and sparkly, and I want her in my life. I won't be the girl sitting waiting for her man to come back. Not even a man like Mac.