The Fall - Book 1

101. And I...I need Bucky to be okay.

JUNE 21, 2019 — AVENGERS COMPOUND — RÉA

I walk quietly through the compound, opting to take the stairs instead of the lift. As I reach the second floor, I hear voices coming from the living room, and I head in that direction. All conversation stops as I enter the room, and I feel everyone's eyes on me as I make my way over to the armchair in the corner. Settling into the seat, I curl myself as small as possible, bringing my knees to my chest and pulling my hoodie over them, tucking it under my socked feet. I rest my head on my knees, and let my hair fall around me like a curtain. Gradually, the chatter resumes, and I let the sounds of everyone's voices blend together until they're just a faint buzz in the background. I decide to do something I haven't done since I took the Fall: speak to the Divine, even though I know It won't hear me.

'I know you can't hear me, and I know that's my fault. But, if by some miracle you can hear this: please, please, please let them be okay,' I pray. 'All of them are good men—great men—and the world needs them.'

I pause for a moment.

'And I...I need Bucky. I need him to be okay. I love him; I'm in love with him. I always have been. And I never...I never told him, because I was afraid. And I wish I had told him; I wish I'd told him every day. Please don't let it be too late...please let me get the chance to tell him. And please help me to be brave enough to do so. I know I shouldn't ask for anything but I don't know what else to do. Please.'

When I finish, my eyes are watery and my cheeks are damp. I dry my face and just sit quietly, listening to the faint drone of the others' conversations. I'm not sure how long I sit there; my sense of time is distorted. I remain curled inside my hoodie, as still as possible, and wait for news. At some point, I zone out; a fact I only become aware of when I'm brought back to the present by F.R.I.D.A.Y.'s voice.

"Captain Rogers, Agent Wilson, and Sergeant Barnes are approaching," F.R.I.D.A.Y. announces.

Choruses of 'thank god' and the like fill the air.

"Please show exterior camera footage," Tony says.

The A.I. immediately complies, displaying the feed on the holotable.

The footage shows Steve, Sam, and Bucky on foot, walking up the compound driveway; as soon as I see Bucky, I'm out of my seat, sprinting through the compound. I burst through the front doors just as the trio makes it to the front of the building. I run to Bucky and launch myself at him. He catches me and I wrap my arms and legs around him, holding tight. I bury my face in the crook of his neck and breathe in his scent—the warm, soothing combination of cedar, vanilla, and cinnamon that's just so Bucky—as he stands there, silently holding me, his face in my hair.

I'm vaguely aware of the others making their way outside, but my main focus is on Bucky and how I'm so happy that he's safe and that he's home.

"Steve. Sam. You two do the debrief," he says, and without waiting for a response, he carries me through the compound to my room; the whole time, I stay wrapped around him, just breathing him in.

After he closes the door to my room, he walks over to the couch and stops beside it.

"Réa", he says. "I'm going to sit down now. Do you want to stay like this or...?" he trails off.

At his question, reality hits me full force and I tense, my face burning as I let go of him, before taking a seat at my end of the couch while he sits at the other. I scoot so that I'm wedged into the corner between the couch arm and back and bring my knees up to my chest, pulling my hoodie over them before wrapping my arms around my shins. I place my head on my knees, and let my hair fall in front of my face.

I sit there, silently, feeling increasingly awkward as time passes. My thoughts are full of self-loathing, disgust, and shame, and though I try to redirect them, I don't have any luck.

'Apologise, Réa. He had to touch you—to carry you—and you need to apologise,' I think. 'He shouldn't have had to do that, but since you insisted on clinging to him, he did.'

"Sorry," I finally mumble, tears pricking my eyes and causing my voice to catch slightly.

"It's okay, Réa," he replies softly.

"I-it's just...I was so relieved and so glad that you're back, and that you're safe, and when I saw you I didn't think. I just reacted. And I just...I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry," I manage to get out before a small sob breaks free and tears start to fall down my cheeks; I curl myself into a tighter ball as I cry.

'I shouldn't have hugged him. I shouldn't have touched him at all. I—'

"Réa," Bucky says softly, pulling me from my thoughts.

I try to stop crying so that I can respond. Once I manage to calm myself enough, I speak.

"Y-yeah?" I ask tentatively.

"Can I...can I hold you?"

His request shocks me; I'm stunned.

'He...he's asking to hold me? He wants to hold me? What?'

My mind is having trouble comprehending, of seeing through the negative thoughts swirling within it. All I can do right now is wonder why Bucky would even want to be near me, let alone hold me. Wanting to meet his gaze, but afraid of what I might see in his eyes, I keep my head down and nod before I respond.

"Yes," I finally reply, my voice barely more than a whisper.

Bucky slowly slides into the centre of the couch, before gently lifting me onto his lap and wrapping his arms around me. My body tenses; I don't mean to, but I can't help it—aside from clinging to him earlier, this is the first physical contact I've had in months, and the part of me that says I'm dirty, disgusting, and not worthy of affection or comfort is currently at the reins. I'm sure Bucky notices my tightened muscles, but he says nothing; he just holds me gently. I again focus on his scent, letting the comforting mixture of cedar, vanilla, and cinnamon permeate my senses. Eventually, I relax enough to begin dozing off. My last thought before I fall asleep is a soothing one: that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.