Relationships - A MDE FanFiction

Chapter 13

Alex's P.O.V

School drifted by fairly quickly. I had Johnnie in most my lessons and, luckily I didn't have judgemental teachers throughout the day, so Johnnie sat next to me.

Well, expect for one lesson...

English. One of the few lessons I spend separated from Johnnie.

"Bye" I told Johnnie before giving him a quick hug.

"Bye. Meet you by those benches" Johhnie confirmed to me by pointing at the benches that were by the opposite block.

"Okay" I agreed, watching Johnnie move out of sight.

I walked into the block of classrooms and climbed up the stairs so I could reach my lessons but a flood of kids in the early years of the school came rushing down - making it nearly impossible to get up there without having a child standing on your toes.

I eventually got upstairs at took a seat at the back, on my own. My English teacher encouraged me to sit next to someone for pair work and to sit nearer the front but that wasn't going to happen - the "popular" girls occupied the rows at the front.

With it being 10 minutes within the lesson, and no sign of a teacher, everyone was starting to wonder where miss could be. Everyone threw their suspicions around the classroom, with each suspicion being discouraged or accepted, whereas I kept my suspicions in my head. Just as a few of the most unusual suspicions flew around the room, Miranda walked into the classroom.

"Eww, what are you even doing here? Aren't your little "subscribers" going to miss you?" Miranda asked, a devious look on her face that was starting to spread towards Betty and Lynn - who stood behind her.

"Funny enough, Miranda, I'm here to learn. Why else would I be at school?" I sarcastically asked - thankful that no audience had been made by my loud outburst.

"I don't know...maybe stocking up your blade collection by collecting a few of the schools sharpeners?" Betty now popped in whilst looking at my arms. Like I said before, I only wore short sleeves when I was comfortable and I wasn't comfortable in school with them so I wore a black cardigan over my outfit - this raised a lot of suspicion but at least it didn't confirm it all together.

"Yeah, defientely! I don't want an argument so why don't we both just ignore each other?" I suggested, hoping that their age would reflect the maturity that they would use in this type of situation.

"You're an ugly tramp who thinks she's better than everyone else all because she's got a couple more subscribers than the average person - you deserve to be bullied" Lynn spoke, spite in her voice as she leaned over my desk and practically spat the words out into my face.

"Leave. Me. Alone" I slowly said, getting more as more annoyed. This happened everyday and has since primary school so why can't people just leave me alone and work out that I've had enough of bullying.

"Awwww! Is the Emo going to cry? That's soooo unlike Emo's. Isn't crying like their trademark?" Miranda now turned to Lynn and Betty.

"Yeah, they're all like "give me attention because I wear different things because I can't be normal as I cry all the time! I also self-harm so give me more attention! Waaaa...." It is sooo annoying!" Betty spoke, giving a bad impression of me/Emo's everywhere. Yeah, it hurt my feeling but I couldn't stop her. The teacher wasn't in and I had to leave so I collected my things and put them in my bag. With a stressful sigh, I got up and barged past the trio and ran into the toilets - tears escaping my tear ducts.

I knew where I needed to go and what I needed to do.
I knew that I couldn't be brave all the time and I needed a bit of an escape.
I knew that I had to self-harm.

The cold school toilet's floor felt reassuring under my skin that my black tight ripped jeans allowed to be in the open. I couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it. Johnnie would be devastated to know I would be doing it again. Should I just tell him? He was fine the first time but maybe he would just get tired of having to look after me. After all, he's going through the same thing. He's a whole lot braver than me and I adored him for that but I didn't want him to think I'm weak. I could look after my self.

Just one moment of release.
Just one moment of pleasure.
Just one cut.

I began scavenging through my bag to find my pencil case. In there I could find it - the pencil sharpener which held my moment of escape. I eventually felt the cold metal touch my fingers as I unzipped my pencil case. I bought my bag and pencil case with me into the toilet cubicle - in case someone came in.

Was I sure I wanted to do this? Johnnie would be so disappointed if he found out...if he found out. I just had to keep it a secret and I could if I self-harmed on my legs or hips because no one ever thinks of looking there. It wouldn't be as stress relieving as doing it on my wrist but I had to compromise for Johnnie's sake. I didn't want him thinking he was a failure.

I took the pencil sharpener out and placed my pencil case carefully on the floor before shutting the toilet lid and sitting on it. I then slightly pulled down my skinny jeans, revealing my hips.

Just one moment of release.
Just one moment of pleasure.
Just one cut.

It took me a while to get out the blade from the sharpener. I was younger when I used to do it all the time but I usually use shaver blades when I do it now. Today was different. Today was about me having to release some tension.

Now, with the blade in my hand, I held it there for a while. Tears blurring up my vision, thoughts of what they said to me, memories of my troubled childhood. I took the blade and sliced it over my hip with as much pressure as I could. Letting out a small whimper of pain, I felt the dark crimson blood feel warm against my skin as it flowed from the freshly cut wound and onto my leg. I felt my tears crash as they fell on my top and dampened it.

Just one more moment of release.
Just one more moment of pleasure.
Just one more cut.

I repeated this action on my other hip, giving it the same wound. I needed this. It made me feel better. I can't explain why but it did...maybe I should stop now? But I couldn't...

Just one more moment of release.
Just one more moment of pleasure.
Just one more cut.

I dug the blade deeper and deeper and deeper until I heard a noise.

"Eughh, I got Science next" I heard an unknown voice say after the door opened.

"Better than what I got. I've got math next" Another voice said.

I listened into their conversation, hoping they would leave soon. There was at least three girls outside the cubicle door because I heard three voices. Hearing the unzipping of makeup cases, I assumed they would be in here for a while so I started to slowly wipe off some blood. I held the tissue there until I was sure the blood had stopped. It felt good. I haven't done it in a while but it felt good.

I flushed the toilet, making sure the blood soaked tissues disappeared, and placed my pencil case in my bag before putting the blade in a secret compartment in my bag. I then quickly pulled my skinny jeans back over my hip, being careful, until I eventually wiped my tears and walked out into the rest of the toilet to be faced by three people who were quite obviously younger than me (about 12-13.)

Before I left the toilets, and before the dirty looks I got, I took a final glance at myself in the mirror. Although I was crying uncontrollably, my makeup managed to look the same - which was surprising. I took deep breath and left the toilets. It was time for lunch anyway so I would see Johnnie and he could calm me down.

All I had to do to Johnnie was,
pretend that everything was fine
pretend that I was happy,
pretend that I wasn't self-harming again.