rant thinngy

crying 😡😡🤬🤬🤬😠

I DESPISE CRYING. I hate it so so so so so so much but like I'm okay with the concept of crying like I love to cry on my own just to get my emotions out and stuff but whenever i start crying over something stupid i hate it so much. I bring this up caus i keep seeing people tryna comfort others through hugs even though the person crying is trying to tell the other person that they're fine and to stop hugging them. Im a really touchy person, I love holding hands and hugging and snuggling, but if i'm crying please leave it for later. It makes me so much more upset because theres just so much happening at once. Like 1. stop crying, 2. keep breathing, 3. actually try to make out words, 4. ignore everyone's stares. Breathing is like weirdly difficult on its own. I dont have a condition or anything, breathing is just really confusing when you think about it. Imagine having to do that shit while crying. Going back to the hugging touching thing STOP TOUCHING MEEEE!! I know that sounds reallkly hypocritical and stupid but like i just hate it so much and everyones trying to ask whats wrong but *I* don't even know whats wrong and so i feel so stupid while trying to say that nothing happened and ofc i say im fine because i am and nothings wrong im just havinng a little outburst over like something stupid but no one believes you when you say you're fine and so they try to help but it doesnt help and like everything goes dark and blurry caus of tunnel vision i think and you cant see anyone but you can see like everyone at the same time and everyoen is so cluttered around you and you are like having too much attention at once and you feeel like people think you're doing it for attention but you're not and your so nervous and you cant stop crying and you try to stop but tears keep falling out and its so nervwracking and I shake and fidget a lot so when im upset i shake really badlu and so i cant even keep my body straight and then i get a weird feeling of pettiness ig??????? idk i just really hate giving into things so whenever peopple try to make me calm down i take it as like a threat or something and so i just refuse and idk why cause its like i didnt even want to be here in the first place why am i not taking my biggest chance of stopping the tears but it just makes me feel so icky to give in and like i want to just gouge out my eyeballs and idk why and its so stressful. DONT EBEN GET ME STARTED ON CRYING IN CLASS. I hate it so much and like its even harder in class because your trying to focus on class but its so hard to focus because theres so much on your mind and then someone will notice and ask you if your okay but you dont trust your voice so you give them a little nod but thats like a dead giveaway that you aren't okay but like you are okay your just crying a little. The class that i like crying in most (well i dont like crying in it but i prefer it) is 6th period. Thats my math class and like its one that i dont have to actually answer in and like we barely ever have to check our work with someone esle and stuff and i sit next to realky nice people and stuff and also at some point in math my teacher will send us out to the restroom and so its reallly nice when she does that whenever im literally like suffocating from trying not to breathe normally caus e if i breateh normally then it'll be loud and then everyone else will know im crying but then if i go to the restroom i can go in a stall and take a little breather in there and like also i dont really like my math teacher but she's not the worst teacher ever. Im a part of her favorite class and so she goes eassier on us because she 100% hates her 1/2 class and her 8/9 class. Im in her 6/7 period class so im right after lunch but ANYWAYS this isnt about her this is about me 🙄 also like i hate how i really wanna tell everyone everything i have to say but I dont wanna be told im annoying for talking too much and talking is really tiring and also im scared that it will end in something that will totally fuck over all my friendships and like i have good friends that will listen and my parents are really good parents (Im super lucky to have them and i love them a lot and im really thankful that im able to have such a good home life) but like im still scared to tell anyone anything and I know its stupid and its not like i have anything big to say but it still feels big to me but i know it isnt in the grand scheme of things

im gonna end my ramblings here because i got super off topic and like also im pretty sure 904 words is like a personal record for me uhm also my frends i love you and i trust you a lot and im not trying to say that I dont trust you enought to here my feelinsg i do trust you<33