Faded; Gone [ Kim Seokjin ]

Bird Without Wings

seokjin promised he would take the heat, but there was no heat. it was easy to cover his crimes, to lead the police this way and that-- far, far away from the others. he kept tabs on the boys, just sent a few people out to keep an eye on them for maybe two or three minutes a day, to make sure they were safe. maybe it was creepy to spy on them like that, but he wanted them to be safe. hoseok, taehyung, jimin, jungkook, and yoongi; he wanted them as safe as possible.

hoseok lived alone, as did yoongi. jimin moved back in with some friends he'd been living with before seokjin had tricked him into a life of crime. he visited yoongi from time to time, and they hung out often, mostly staying indoors. all of them stayed indoors; they must have been afraid to go out in public anymore. jungkook went outside often, playing with his new puppy in his backyard, completely hidden by his house and the woods surrounding the back of their home. taehyung would watch him, would sit on the porch or peek through the window, would sometimes go out and play with him too. hoseok went over there sometimes, visited them; taehyung and hoseok were still best friends, after all, and hoseok was getting closer and closer to jungkook.

"you're an idiot for staying with me." seokjin told namjoon this often, because namjoon had chosen to stay with seokjin; he'd been in love with the boy for quite a while now. seokjin knew this, and he thought he should give namjoon a chance, but-- him in love? seokjin could never imagine it. he didn't deserve it. and namjoon would tell him that he wasn't an idiot, that he wanted to say with seokjin because seokjin was perfect, he loved him. seokjin wished namjoon wouldn't view him as such.

seokjin vividly remembers the moment everything began to go wrong in his life, back when he first met taehyung. taehyung was maybe seven or eight at the time-- was he nine? ten? seokjin didn't remember, but he was thirteen, and he had a gun in his hand, his father standing behind him, making him point it at the boy on the floor. taehyung looked completely terrified, but he also looked angry, and his father had asked seokjin, "let's make a quick decision, okay? either shoot him, and you can end his life before it goes bad, or you can let him live-- let him suffer."

thirteen wasn't a good age for a responsibility like that. seokjin hadn't shot. he was scared. seokjin's father had said "okay-- good boy," had taken the gun, had dragged taehyung up by his throat, had dragged him off to another room and locked the door. there was a gunshot, and seokjin honestly thought is father had killed taehyung, but then there was laughter, a lot of screaming, begging, crying, and seokjin had no idea what was going on. when taehyung came to dinner that night, silent, with a black eye and blood over his cheek, seokjin wished he would have shot the boy so he didn't have to do through whatever had happened in there.

and then came the next years, in which seokjin didn't know the full story, only knew that taehyung went through a lot of shit training. something must have happened to taehyung that didn't happen to jimin; for taehyung had been trained by his father, and, after a few years, jimin had been brought in-- had been the second brought in by his father, and seokjin watched him train; his father wanted him to learn how to train them. jimin and taehyung didn't grow the same way. jimin was okay. taehyung was not. seokjin often wondered what happened, but he knew something about what happened to taehyung brought on his father's death.

perhaps taehyung had been tortured too much. it was a simple explanation, as it had been taehyung's father to come and massacre everyone in seokjin's house apart from taehyung and seokjin. the two of them had hid in a vent-- fifteen years and, what, thirteen? taehyung must have been thirteen. they hid together, and they didn't die; and seokjin had to take over his father's little business. so many years-- so many years, ten fucking years, and seokjin finally let taehyung go. after all the blaming; seokjin let taehyung go.

he still wasn't 100% sure what happened, didn't think he ever would; but he regretted it. he regretted everything that had ever happened, regretted taking over the business, regretted putting taehyung through so much shit, regretted bringing jungkook along, too. he hated that he'd taken namjoon in with ease after jimin and taehyung, regretted framing yoongi and hoseok, regretted lying to them all. he thought he deserved to die for all he had done--

and that brought him to right here, right now, on the roof of a pretty building.

"remember where my father set his first heist?" seokjin felt sick talking to taehyung's father; but the man was desperate to have jungkook killed, and seokjin was desperate to make taehyung suffer. taehyung's father thought the plan was simple: get jungkook in front of him so he could kill him. seokjin had a different plan: to let taehyung watch jungkook be killed, and then to kill taehyung-- to watch his father suffer for a few moments before he shot his brain out as well. he wanted them all dead, wanted them all to suffer for moments before they died. it was the best kind of death, after all. ha-- ha-- ha.

seokjin was ashamed of himself-- for every thinking bringing taehyung's father back to him was a good idea. it ended with too much pain, taehyung's father dead, and a lot of guilt. it turned out well; seokjin was happy taehyung's father was dead. he was happy taehyung and jungkook were alive. it all worked out--

--but seokjin could not let go of all of his other fuck-ups.

seokjin spread his arms apart, like a part, and thought: maybe i'll fly. he leaned forward, prayed namjoon would find someone else, and then he was flying-- but he was plummeting. the wind rushed through his hair, and he hoped whoever found him splattered against the sidewalk had a very, very strong stomach.