The Blurred Lines

• A Chance At Life •

Warning : Mature content ahead.

________

| Agastya |

I couldn't control my emotions when I saw Lavanya in my office, after a whole week. I didn't visit her at the hospital because I just couldn't come up with more lies. I couldn't dare to give her false hopes and I thought I should maintain my distance from Lavanya because things were getting out of hands. Still are.

All the rational thoughts skip my mind whenever she is near to me. She makes me feel.. she makes me feel and that's so fucking dangerous.
I thought it was working, staying away from her, not replying to her text, ignoring her, not seeing her face and most importantly getting back to action by getting her electronic signatures, her approval, for the false verification of the news. Vidyut screamed and fought with me, for Lavanya. Little did he know that I wasn't doing it all for me alone. It's better that Lavanya stays away from me, and I thought it was working until she herself walked into my office with a bright smile and curiosity in her eyes.

She didn't complain, she didn't ask anything. Instead of bombarding me with questions, all she cared about was, if I was coming here with her or not.

Lavanya by simply walking into me, can shake my life.

I missed her so much, I missed everything related to her. Her rosy fragrance, her big eye lashes, hazel nut eyes, her open tresses, my name from her mouth, her habit of tapping the table, chewing her favorite candy in free time. I was aching for her slender fingers grazing on the back of my neck, I was yearning for her all this time and all this hit me hard when I actually saw her in my cabin. And in that moment if she would have asked for my life, I would have happily given it to her let alone saying a yes to the trip to Chicago.

I also felt good when she addressed her insecurities and the reason for my absence, while playing truth or dare. I knew I had hurt her immensely.
I had behaved like an ass, dad told me. And I know I did, he was not wrong.

As much as I wanted to refrain from answering her, and wanted to escape the situation, I surprisingly felt good that she didn't let herself suffer and asked me about it.
Words or may I say, truth rolled off my tongue easily. Her genuineness has led me to say truth and only truth to her, there's no place for lies.
Before coming to Chicago, I had decided to spend some time with Lavanya for I missed her, I wanted her bad and then planned to push her away. But what happened tonight has caught me in a mess. I don't know what to do now.
Is there any way to come out of it?

I have bedded girls before my marriage and it were all fun and games. But now I am a man, who loves and then makes love. With Lavanya, I don't want to do a one night stand, she's much more than that for me. Although I hate her and I lust after her, yet she can never be an object of my desires.
Instead, she has become a beautiful sin of my life and I want to commit her more than once. In a span of four months, we have come this far. It wasn't easier for me, still is not, but I made sure to make it hell for her too. From hating, that she makes me feel, to getting used to what I feel around her, is making me go crazy. I can't believe that I would say this, but yeah.
What if I give her a chance? What if I give myself a chance? To live, to breathe, to rise, to love, to not succumb. What if?

"You said you wouldn't stop." She said.

Memories of last night are so clear in my head.

Love grazed her fingers on my cheeks softly, her eyes held the emotions of sadness for I had suddenly pulled myself back from what I was doing.

Suddenly everything felt wrong, I began to zone out. Kissing her, holding her and doing sex with her felt like a lie and all sorts of betrayal. The fear of how I would face myself the next morning, began eating me up.
Was I really doing it? Am I really so into Lavanya that everything feels right and the wrong doesn't make any sense?