I wasn't ready.
At that moment, I came up with the lamest excuse that I can think of. Sinabi ko sa kan'ya na nagmamadali akong umuwi, para bang hindi ko narinig ang pag-amin niya.
Tinalikuran ko siya at nagsimulang maglakad. Tinawag niya ang pangalan ko ng ilang beses pero hindi ako lumingon, hanggang sa tuluyan na siyang tumigil.
Sinundan niya ako pauwi, but he didn't say anything. Maybe he just make sure that I arrived home safely.
When Julie found out what happened, on how coward I am, she gave me the warmest hug. Hindi niya ako kinulit pa tungkol kay Gian. I was so thankful that she understands me. Gian didn't reach out to me on my social media accounts and even on my phone number.
Ngunit tuwing natatapos ang klase ko sa college building nila, naaabutan ko siyang nakatambay sa labas ng room niya. Malungkot siyang nakatingin sa akin kaya umiiwas akong ng tingin, nagpapanggap na hindi siya nakita.
It continues that way for several days. Me finding him in the same spot and I will catch him looking at me. But day by day, he's looking more miserable. Tila kinukulang siya ng tulog. It breaks my heart but I'm not yet ready to face him.
I don't know what to say.
On the fifth day, he finally had the courage to approach me. "Arianne, can we talk?"
Hindi ako makatingin nang diretso sa kan'ya. I feel so bad, I'm slowly hating myself for hurting him. He doesn't deserve me.
"I can't," I said, feeling helpless.
He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed.
"Please let's talk. Sorry kung binigla kita."
Natatakot ako sa maaari kong masabi kaya nagsimula akong maglakad. Sinundan niya ako, napansin kong pinagtitinginan na kami ng ibang tao. Bumilis ang lakad ko pero tumigil ako nang makarating kami sa lobby.
I faced him but still avoiding eye contact. "I'm so busy right now, Gian. Madami pa akong requirements na kailangang tapusin."
I can feel his gaze on me, then he nodded. He suddenly forced a smile. "Okay. I will give you some space, for the meantime."
On that night, Julie talked to me. I was in the middle of finishing my schoolworks, trying to distract myself about my situation with Gian.
"Are you really gonna keep this up?" tanong niya, pati siya ay nawawalan na ng pasensya sa mga kinikilos ko nitong mga nakaraang araw. Hindi ko siya sinagot kasi hindi ko naman talaga alam ang sasabihin ko.
She followed another question, which caught my attention. "Gusto mo bang saktan siya?"
"No," I answered instantly.
"But you are already doing it. Not only to him but also, to yourself."
Lumapit siya at umupo sa kama ko. Hinila niya ang hawak kong papel kaya napatingin ako sa kan'ya. "Tell me, Anne. What's going on in your mind?"
Base sa seryoso niyang ekspresyon, alam kong gusto niyang sabihin ko ang totoo. She can probably read me but sometimes, she chose to let me express myself.
I sighed. "I'm embarrassed and scared, Julie. Noong iniwan ko siya noong umamin siya sa akin, alam kong nasaktan ko siya. I can't face him after what I did."
Nanatili siyang tahimik kaya nagpatuloy ako.
"Natatakot ako dahil nagawa ko na siyang saktan ngayon, paano na lang kung mas maging malapit kami?"
"You're self-sabotaging, Anne."
"No, this can happen. I know it might will,"
She breathed deeply. "Do you really like him?"
"You know the answer."
"I want to hear you say it," seryoso niyang tugon.
Natahimik ako ng ilang sandali bago tuluyang nagsalita. "I think I love him, Julie."
I feel like I was about to cry when I said that. Tila nahawaan ko pa si Julie dahil nakita kong may namumuong luha sa gilid ng kan'yang mata. Then she made a sad face.
"I love him that I'm so scared to hurt him even more. What if we keep this up and suddenly, we realized that we don't feel the same anymore?" pagpapatuloy ko.
Julie held my hand and squeezed it. "But what if it will last forever? If you really love him, you are willing to take the risk. Love is not all rainbows and sunshines, there can be storms and darkness. If you are not meant to be, at least you tried. You won't be hunted by thousands of what ifs."
Like I did before, I thought.
"Do you think I can do it?" I asked.
Julie smiled. "You are braver than you think."
BINABASA MO ANG
Marahuyo
Teen FictionHave you ever met someone for the first time and wondered if they'd become an important part of your life or they'd just passed by like a fleeting breeze? Arianne Valerio never thought of that when she met Gian Chavez at the waiting shed. Their firs...
