To be Loki'd - Loki x fem reader

Chapter 35 - To hell with it

You grasped your breath frantically, now completely alone in the room and in your mind. Then, allowed yourself to cry, one tear after another, showing finally your cracks. A raw, guttural, heartfelt weep left your parted lips, echoing against the walls and back into your ears. The cry of a lone lover to the world. Questions spun and spun and spun, shoving out further the pains for all to see. Your grief was still too fresh, but now you also told yourself that you shouldn't feel grief yet it was so painful and cruelly confusing. 

Why now? Why after these three months where you have started healing, -you hadn't come to terms with it and thought you never would- where you are breathing after this long period of drowning. The wave had come back for you, just as strong as before. 

When Loki had died, it was a horrible experience, part of you died with him; however now, you knew you couldn't see him and that he was suffering far away from you, where you couldn't reach him. It all ripped your heart a little more by the second, like a child ruthlessly tearing up a ruined drawing. 

There was only one way to say it: emotionally you were in shambles, making you desperate to let off a lot of steam, even if it was not all of it. It would be a herculean if not impossible task to rid you of everything. So, gathering yourself to your feet, you left the room and walked down the empty corridors to the magic room. When you had entered, with a sweep of your mind, you pushed back all of the memories still hanging in the air, unless... 

Unless, you let them fuel you. 

It was always a very bad decision to let your pain free through your powers, or to let your heart rule your head but, normally, this was a controlled environment; and in this case, there was no stopping you. An emotionally stricken person torn away from their lover by death then by realms without so much a chance to say goodbye or to cope is more than just dangerous. 

There simply was no control. But why would you want control? Control hadn't prevented any of these events. You had been so reasonable so far, so careful; but what if you didn't want that? What if you craved being unreasonable and sending everything flying?

To hell with it. 

 You stepped into the middle of the room and inhaled sharply, filling your aching lungs with as much oxygen as could be possible. For once, you opened every single valve for the flood to come pouring through and out. It felt so nice, so freeing to let those huge barricades come crashing down and allowing your heart freely rage. The damage of four years accumulated over time and regularly sweeped under the carpet, for once, was let wide open, risking to destroy your world thus you along with it. 

But to hell with it.

You lifted your hands with a wicked smirk before pushing through and watching the bright bustling beams of golden light surge through, more powerful than ever before. They started burning everything in near vicinity, exuding from your chest and hands in golden clouds. It whipped you down, scratched your palms open, now dripping red and occasional golden drops onto the flooring, tugged at every inch of your being in a destructive yet mesmerising way. You let yourself fall back into it whilst indulging in the constant and unprecedented fierce beams emanating from everywhere. Ice shards joined those shafts of light, braiding themselves along with it in long strips of shimmery but sharp magic. 

Stephen sprinted over to grab his sling ring and immediately portalled into the Avengers tower, startling a very busy Tony. "What's going on here Stark? I felt something." 

Tony was holding a large wrench and nearly dropped it on his feet, surprised by the sorcerer's sudden appearance in his lab. At Stephen's worried tone, he simply rolled his eyes and answered cockily, "What? I just unplugged one of my machines, surely you can't feel that! Or are you now the princess and the pea?"