Dear me
I heard it was helpful to 'vent' on paper, so here I am. I've ruined my life. I cheated on the one good thing I had going for me. My son isn't talking to me. And to top it all off, Buck is pissed with me. I get why everyone's mad. I do. I want to fix it. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm writing shitty feelings on a piece of fucking paper no one is going to even see? So what's the point, really? I've stooped so low that I'm venting to a letter. Regardless, here I go. I'm not sure I loved Marisol, or even felt a romantic attraction to her. I feel horrible for that, to even fathom that thought. I think I kept her around to have the full family feeling affect. I want to be happy, and I want Chris to have a strong woman in his life. He needs that. Sure, he's surrounded by them. Athen, Hen, Karen, Maddie, his teachers you name it, but a mother figure would be beneficial. Shannon was my only love, I believe that. She was my wife, and she left, we weren't functional but my god I loved her. I want what we fucking had. A mother, a father, and a son. That's what we were. And to have a woman that resembled the only piece of familiarity I ever had walk into my life all again? I wanted one last taste of what that could've been like. But to cheat was wrong of me, and then go on to lie about it? I cannot forgive myself. When it comes to loving women, I find it a struggle. When I say I want a family, but I'm never ready to allow a woman to take over the second parenting roll fucks me up. The most fucked up part it the fact I'd let Buck take over in a heartbeat. I let him in faster than anyone I've ever met. You could hold it up in him being a good friend, a brother, family, whatever. But Shannon was the only woman I've ever loved. Buck, I think I'm in love with him. The moment he came out, something changed. Part of me was upset, and I now know why. I was so comfortable with the fact that I could never have a chance with a straight dude, I made peace with the life of man and woman. I think I was so adamant on finding a life with a good woman, was because I was scared. I don't know how long I could've been feeling this way, truly, I don't, but the moment I was single again and stopped contacting Kim, it fell into place. I was so reckless because I knew Buck was never an option. I just want to live a normal life, with a normal partner. A normal family. But seeing Buck, so willingly to do anything, naive me thinks he was just being a good friend. He might've been. But I went and ruined myself by liking him romantically. And now, when it's all confirmed, he out and dating Tommy. Someone he's barely known. I shouldn't get salty, but I am. I don't even know what I am anymore, and to put a label on it, I'd only hate myself more. It's not like I'm 'homophobic', I just don't like that fact I could quite possibly be that. Me. A man who's been straight for the longest time. To sit here, and write this, I don't even think I know myself. Edmundo Diaz, he's supposed to be me but am I really him? I was happy with the picture perfect girlfriend, but I ruined it. Now I can't even fall back on that for comfort. What if I never find anyone ever again? What if I never get over Buck? Tommy walks in and calls him Evan right from the get go. Buck doesn't like his name. Few people have the earned right to use it comfortably. If Tommy was really going to get be his new everything, why doesn't he have to work up to that level? And why is Buck so comfortable with it. It's Buck, he's a dumbass, but it's whatever I guess. Now, I'll just have to get comfortable in this state of denial. Feelings are confusing. I'm confused. I hate myself. I'm sad. I'm unwell. But to express that makes me want to die. I can admit that in the comfort of a letter to nowhere. I don't think I'll ever do this again, but it was decent to get my feelings to go somewhere. I hope my son speaks to me again, and I hope Buck forgives me. I hope Marisol forgives me, and finds a better man. I, Eddie, will go back to familiar, which is sadness, loneliness, and the fear of failure.
Sincerely, me
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Hiiiii🙈‼️
This is NOT canonically like how Eddie would talk/react to the situation but like I wanted Eddie to reflect.
Teehee!😕
This is my 99th work, 46 of which are drafts.
I need Buck to tackle more about his new found feelings pwease (not Eddie related guys. Just in general)
Also thought I'd let it be known that I don't reread my work before publishing
P.S
I would be posting on ao3 but that shit is so confusing so I gave up on even trying.
