Take These Broken Wings And Learn To Fly

Chapter Twelve

I'm aliiiiiiiiiive

There are lots of tears shed (mostly by Aziraphale, but also by me bc it took me so fucking long to get this chapter out goddammit), lots of insecurities soothed and lots of comforting speeches made. Enjoy!

And thank you for being here, even when I take months to update <3

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

"I'm sorry I didn't stop myself."

"Mhm?"

Crowley hums questioningly, nose buried in Aziraphale's hair.

"Earlier, when we..." Aziraphale swallows. "The wall", he says then, voice quiet, "in your hallway, I- You stopped me just now. Said I was too vulnerable, and you were right. But I didn't stop myself then." He rolls over where he's tucked into Crowley's side, meeting the demon's gaze before casting his eyes down. "You were vulnerable too, and I should've recognised that more, should've recognised that I was...taking advantage", Aziraphale says, lower lip wobbling just the tiniest bit, "just as you said. I should've stopped myself, and I'm sorry that I didn't."

Aziraphale looks at him with genuine guilt on his face, and Crowley feels his chest constricting painfully.

"Hey." He pushes himself up, sitting against the headboard and guiding Aziraphale to sit with him. "I know what you're saying", Crowley says carefully, looking for the right words. "And I get it. Maybe we shouldn't have done that...the way it happened. But angel-" He reaches out, grabs one of Aziraphale's hands. "That wasn't the same. Yeah, I was-" Crowley swallows. "Vulnerable. We both were."

It's still hard to say, hard to admit. It's fucking stupid, he knows that, what they've both shared in the last hours alone, not to mention the weeks before (and the six blasted thousand years before that), has been intimacy and vulnerability in its rawest form, but he still finds it difficult to be comfortable admitting that he wants to be that person with Aziraphale, that person that opens up and lets his angel in.

But it's fucking scary, okay? He might just blame it on his demonic nature - being soft with someone really isn't all that common in Hell, where any vulnerable bits exposed will only get you someone else's claws and teeth digging in where it hurts the most.

"Yeah, s'not like either of us imagined our first time like that. But we were scared, angel", Crowley says, "scared to lose each other. You needed to show me that you wouldn't leave, and I needed you to show me that you want me, want to stay with me. And you did that. I don't regret it."

He needs Aziraphale to understand that, can't ever have him thinking otherwise. If Crowley could turn back time and do it differently, he doesn't think he would, not this. He hadn't been lying to Aziraphale when he said he needed this.

"And just now...", Crowley strokes a thumb over the angel's knuckles, "you were hurting in a very different way. Looking for comfort that I couldn't really give you like that, not that way. Cause that pain wasn't about me, or us. That's something only you can work on, I can't do that for you. I can help, be there for you, but you're the one who'll have to feel it to let it go. Fucking sucks, yeah, but it'll get better."

The doubt in Aziraphale's eyes is unmistakable, and Crowley gives him an empathetic smile.

"Doesn't feel like it right now", he grants, squeezing the angel's fingers, "but it will. And I'm gonna be here every step of the way."

That finally coaxes a hesitant smile out of his angel, and Crowley is only too happy to return it.

"I know you're right." Aziraphale sighs deeply. "I just wish I could let it go, forget about what they took from me and just...live." He looks down at their hands, turns over his palm to intertwine his fingers with Crowley's, and there are tears gathered in the angel's eyes when he looks back up.