Disequilibrium

Part 3: Junior Year - Scene 11

There's a two-minute moment of silence for Anila after second period, followed by an announcement reminding all students to be careful on the streets. This first day has to be the worst one yet; people feign excitement with fake smiles and forced laughter. Some sulk in the halls like they've known Anila all their lives, and they're just so goddamn devastated that she's gone.

The halls hold a dim murmur, slow footsteps, slow smiles, slow everything. I just don't get it. Only a handful of people actually knew her, anyway. So why are they all acting like they've just been told their grandmother died?

Someone sneaks beside me as soon as I shut my locker, a tentative hand touching my arm. I look over to see Casper standing there, not smiling as bright as he should be, but the best he can after two days of sleeping off the worry. He drops his hand before anyone else can get ideas and shoves the both of them in the pockets of his shorts.

"How are you doing?"

I fix my backpack onto my back and offer a smile that mimics his. It isn't hard showing people what they want to see. Facial expressions are easy to manipulate. "I'm doing okay, I guess. Another year of English with you at least. I think it's becoming our thing."

He snorts. "Probably. I'm sorry I was such a bum though. Things just don't feel right."

I nod in understanding even though the whole thing pisses me off. "This isn't the way I imagined the first day would play out."

"Yeah, I know." He frowns and starts walking down the hall, leaving me to follow after him. "Everything just feels so...I don't know...wrong. I keep thinking about every single word I said to her, you know? About kissing her when I didn't mean it, making her think that I was actually for something like that..."

He sighs. I let the back of my hand brush his skin. "It's not your fault."

"I know. You keep telling me that."

"Because it doesn't seem like you believe me."

He says nothing further of the subject. Instead, he lets that same smile I hate creep back on his face, looking around before he says, "Someone asked me about you today."

"Seriously? Who?"

"One of my friends. She was curious why we came to school together. And why we hung out in the morning. And why we sat together during first period." He looks at me then, the real Casper shining through just a little. "I think we should tell people soon. I mean, I want to be able to talk to you and hang out with you without being afraid that people will find out, you know? It's like living a lie. Tiring."

You have no idea. "I thought you wanted your parents to know first."

"I do. I'm getting there." He rubs at his arm before pointing to the cafeteria. "My friends want me to eat lunch with them today. Catch up and all that. I'll see you after? Unless you'd like to come."

I know he knows that's the last thing I want to do. Casper stares at me expectantly, his smile dropping when he notices the look on my face. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Bullshit. You look like I just shot your dog. Do you not want me to leave?"

"It's not that. It's just that—" You belong with me. I sigh instead. "I just feel pretty weird right now. Everything is so abnormal and I feel like the world is moving in slow motion. I can't do this. I really don't think I can."

Casper gives me a considering look even though there are creases on his forehead. I'm about to tell him to forget about it until Winston walks up behind him, stealing his attention by slapping his back.