The Winner

The Choice

*Julia*

"I choose you." I repeat, but before I can even think, the words come out.

"But... I think... I have to get my shit together, Nate." I pause and contemplate saying the next sentence out loud. But it needs to be heard.

"I need to get admitted somewhere." My bottom lip quivers, and I'm filled with uncertainty. I hate, absolutely HATE, that I can't seem to do this on my own. But I also feel sick to my stomach when I think of how both Nate AND James's lives would be better off without me. These unhealthy thoughts of giving up on my own life are entertaining my mind too frequently. I'm scared of myself.

I'm petrified.

"What are you saying?" Nate refuses to hear me out.

"I'm saying.... I'm getting worse, not better, Nate. It's obvious, and you can't deny it." I look into his eyes as he cries, hearing me admit this out loud.

"We can switch meds. Jule, we can try somethi-"

"Nate. I need help. Real help. I'm ASKING for help. Please listen to me." I close my eyes and whisper. "I need help."
*****
*Nate*

I can't ignore this. Julia is recognizing...admitting...saying it out loud... that she needs more psychiatric help- which means.... she needs a LOT more help than Jonah, James, or myself can provide. And that scares the fuck out of me. Cara never got to that point. She chose drugs instead of admitting she needed a safe place to go.

But, once you go to a facility, it changes your life. I'm not saying this in a negative way.. but it is documented. It follows you forever. She's choosing me which means, fuck, the media is gonna use this against her and tear her to pieces. I NEED her to choose me. I also need her to get the help she deserves.

I sit up and look at the blank wall straight ahead. Julia lays her head on my lap and also looks straight ahead.

"Jule. Before you decide anything... do you know what this means if you get admitted? I'm not steering you away, I just want you to be aware." I say to the blank wall.

"Huh?"

I look down at the broken woman in my lap and stroke her hair. She closes her eyes while I talk.

"If you choose me. You choose a life in the limelight. Media attention. The world knowing every little detail of your life, your mental health, your personal shit." I pause and can feel her wet tears on my lap. She understands what this means.

 
"The media loves shit like this. Tabloids thrive off of exposing people. This stuff.. getting admitted for mental health issues, Jules, it follows your forever. You know that, right?" I fucking hate having to say this truth out loud. It shouldn't be this way. It's not right. But it's reality when it comes to being famous, and she needs to be aware of the risks. I never made Macy aware of the risks - the risks of choosing me - then, it was too late. Things got out of control. She slipped through my hands.

"I don't have a choice. I'm choosing you, Nate. But I'm also choosing to get better. I'm... God Nate, I'm having these awful thoughts." Julia cries. "I'm terrified! I don't know if this is some weird side effect from one of the meds, suicidal thoughts, but these thoughts....I'm scared. "

Fuck.

Jonah was right all this time.

"What if we go to The Avalon. I will pay for you, Jule. They offer partial programs... day programs. You don't live there. That's how Cara started out." I continue to stare ahead and comb my fingers through her hair.

"But it didn't work for her. She's there full time now." Julia reminds me. I sigh.

"She wasn't willing to put in the effort." I actually don't know if this is true or not. Cara spiraled out of control fast. But Cara was also abusing drugs, and I'm not talking damn Ativan. To Cara, Ativan would be like eating a box of TicTacs. She was already snorting cocaine and apparently shooting up heroin for God knows how long.