The Winner

What If

"Ever wonder what things would be like if I wasn't such a mess? If I wasn't broken?"

Julia draws little figure eights on my chest as we lay together after recovering from having sex. We've been having sex every single day, which surprises me. I thought Julia would need a long time to recover from the rape but she's been the opposite. All over me. I'm not sure why exactly but I'm not complaining, I just don't know how much of this is Julia or how much of this is her bipolar acting up.

"What do you mean, doll?" I tuck my chin in and look down at her.

"Like.... if I was the winner of America's Voice and came to L.A. but as a completely functional sane human."

"Well, that's no fun." I skirt around her question. Don't get me wrong. It's been thought about. But then it wouldn't be Jules.

"I'm serious. What if I was some lady who came with no baggage, learned how to play guitar, didn't mess with you, and made it to the end of the contract."

I sit up and scratch the back of my head. Julia sits up as well, pulling the sheets up over her chest.

"Then that would be it. I probably wouldn't have fallen in love with you, Julia. I would have gotten bored and moved on without a thought." I admit.

"Do you wish it worked out that way?"

"Do you??" I study her face wondering why she is asking these questions. "Do you wish you never came? Wish you were still living with your friend in Boston. Going to work every day?"

"I was never living. I was only existing. And I asked you first."

"No. I don't wish any of that, doll. If you never came... I'd probably still be drinking. Or dead. Who knows." And that's the truth. I certainly wouldn't be getting better, that's for sure. "You're stalling, aren't you?"

Julia looks over at the alarm clock and shrugs. "Maybe."

Today is the day. The first day Julia will step foot in the Avalon since the car accident. Since the rape. She's only going for four hours today. Two sessions. We're not sure James will cooperate, so we need Julia around. At least until we can figure everything out.

But she needs to go back. Her moods fluctuate hourly. She needs to get back into therapy. She needs The Avalon. What she doesn't need is to see Jeremy Donovan, which is going to be inevitable. If anything, he probably knows she is coming back today and will hunt her down to talk to her. To brain wash her. To make her think either nothing happened or it was all her fault.

And he can't know ANY of us are aware of the incident. He will ruin her life. No doubt, he said it himself.

Today, Paul will accompany Julia. It's only two sessions. A group  therapy session and a private session in which Julia has requested a different therapist. When asked, she told them she just wanted to try someone knew and would like it to be a female. They can't question that.

I thought for sure she would give me a hard time waking up this morning, but she didn't. I watch her get up and start getting ready for the day. She becomes quiet, which means she's stuck in her own head.

"Jules. Everything will be ok. Paul will be with you at all times. It's just a few hours today, ok?"

"Yeah. I know." She throws on her Celtics T-shirt and a pair of white shorts and begins to brush her hair. "I wonder how many rape victims have to see the guy after. Have to pretend nothing happened."

I think about that for a minute. Julia is right. I can't imagine what she must be feeling right now. She has every reason to be nervous, upset, furious.