Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I am.
I'm always going to be a fucking coward. Nothing is going to change. I'm going to stay as this god forsaken coward. Why must I be? Why am I so scared of doing a simple act? Because of my parents??? Because of my grandparents?? Because of my fear, I can't help with shit. I can't help my true friends who's been there for me since day one. They were there for me all the time, why can't I do the goddamn same?! Because I ended up in a completely different school while I fear that a good friend of mines is close to practically suicide, and because of her parents, she has the FUCKING MIND to say, she was DRAMATIC?! DRAMATIC IS BEING SO STRESSFUL BECAUSE OF A LOT ON HER MIND?! Yeah, makes perfect sense. I couldn't say that, though. I would've seemed rude and toxic if I had yelled like that, even if through a simple text. I don't want her to know I get so mad at those words, because of how her father is. But I feel I can't help it. She just.. she means a lot to me. And I don't know what I would do if she was gone. I had already lost a brother, I can't lose my best friend of all people next.
And yet, that's the problem. I can't do SHIT to help. All I do all day is just lay in bed and watch TV or play video games all day. Such a stressful life I have. I'm too much of a fucking coward to really try running away and going to just check to make sure she's still alive. Hell, even ditching school to get to hers so I could see her state of being. But nOoOoO.. I had to be a fucking coward and just stay home while I "try" through a FUCKING TEXT TO HELP.
I would like to think I'm helping, but I know damn well I am most likely not. It's only a simple text, it can so very easily be brushed off. A text isn't going to help at all. I want to do more. But of course, I'm a cowardly stupid idiot. What would I even say to help?? I don't even know what to say to comfort through a TEXT!
Why am I still doing this? And to the public of all? Nobody gives a shit about a child's life and how much he wants to help.
Nobody does.
And I don't know how much longer I can do this. But I know I can't resort to those kinds of things..
Not again.
