Function

5 - Colossal Nothing

Now I realise that I sound insane by how much I overthink every little thing.

Half of the time the enormity I manage to find in every minuscule thing I have to say shocks and repels me.

Life shouldn't be so thought out, so under scrutiny every second of every minute of every hour of everyday.

After all we are all her by accident; one atom just happening to connect with another in one very specific and certain way and BAM the human race and the entire world as we know it evolved two billion years later.

Overthinking sucks the fun out of everything and thus everything and anything becomes a great surging acre long maze that you have to force yourself through to the perfect answer within the minuscule space of a second because any longer you start to look crazy and conversation is dead. Only when I do it, I have the mental equivalent of broken legs.

It's exhausting. It's tedious. It's crazy.

But in the other hand, the other half of the time I'm convinced it's absolutely necessary. 

It feels as though the entire course if my life is balancing on the tip of a needle and if I say or do the wrong thing by even the smallest of fractions I'll fall and ruin everything, landing myself in an even shittier situation than before.

I know I sound like I'm exaggerating, like every word written is just some act of hyperbole just used to get others to sympathise.

But this is how it feels. I feel like I will die if I screw something up. That no one will want to know me if I make even the slightest of mistakes. That if I'm not perfect, if what I do isn't perfect if what I say isn't perfect everything will fall apart.

And that's when my depression is under control.

I can barely formulate how paralysing depression can be at times.

It genuinely does feel like drowning. It feels as though everything good and worth living for is impossible to reach because you're weighed down by this anchor in this churning under current that no one else can see or hear.

You can feel yourself being tossed around, being broken and bruised but no one else can see a thing, let alone find a way to help.

Depression is not caring at all, the whole world could fall into oblivion and it wouldn't matter the tiniest bit, whilst anxiety it caring so much it hurts just to try and function, even breathing needing to be just right.

I'm one of the lucky ones to have both.

It seems as though at every turn my mind betrays me; if I'm not sad I'm anxious, if I'm not anxious I'm furious, if I'm not furious I'm self conscious, if I'm not self conscious, I'm suicidal. It's all in a constant never ending loop.

I'm trying to escape and I'm trying to break the cycle, but everyone that knows seems to be looking at me with these sympathetic expressions, constantly afraid that I'm going to break again.

That's the most disheartening part. You've managing to try, to get out of the stifling control of your mind just to try and get better and stop. Not even for yourself but for the ones that love you. And at every turn you can see them just expecting you to fail.

Maybe I never did get better or make any progress. Maybe they're all seeing something I'm not.

That though makes it even harder to function.