Unseen

-31-

           I pull back when I feel James shivering. Even if it feels warm and like being alive when I'm in his arms, it's not the same for him. Maybe it isn't painful right now, but it's cold. He doesn't let me retract much, though, still prisoner in his arms. He looks at me with soft caring eyes and a lazy smile. He looks happy and for a second that makes me forget that his face looks paler than usual and his lips have a bluish tone. He is really cold, it's almost as if I have stolen his warmth.

"You're cold," I state the obvious.

"Well, kissing a ghost has its drawbacks. It can't be all rainbows and unicorns," he teases, pecking my lips as if a way to reinforce his statement. "That was quite the experience."

"I'm sorry," I apologise, even trying to pull back but he doesn't let me.

"I didn't mean it in a bad way, Paige. Don't apologise. It was just... different." He chuckles and I see his cheeks blushing, bringing a bit of colour to his face. "I thought about this a lot, I must confess. Like, I realised my feelings a while back and I wasn't sure what could happen. I didn't even know if I could kiss you. I'm glad I can." He cups my face in his right hand, looking at me with such warm eyes. "It's so easy to forget you are... a ghost, 'cos you feel so real in my arms. I know that if anyone could see us would think I'm crazy or schizophrenic, but it feels so real and tangible. Just a bit cold. Next time I'll kiss you by the fire, and away from everyone else so I'm not sent to the asylum.."

I'm once again thankful I can't blush because I'm certainly feeling embarrassed right now. He says 'next time' so naturally and I'm not sure how to react to that. The weight of these events hasn't even fully sinked in yet, and I'm scared of how overwhelming that might be. Love or any sort of relationship is something I never contemplated before, not even when I was alive and now that I'm dead I have no idea how that might work out. Can it even work out?

"Hey, look at me," James says, breaking through my train of thoughts, probably feeling the change in my emotions. "Calm down, don't freak out. We'll take this slowly. There's nothing to be afraid of."

"Nothing? How can you say that?' I snap, tensing and surprising him. "I'm a ghost and you're human. I don't exist for anyone else but you. How can you not be scared of that? What's even the point of something that is impossible? And I have to cross over, I can't stay here forever, watching you grow older until you also die and leave me behind."

"Paige, please, calm down. We'll think about that later. Just stay with me on this moment and we'll figure out the future later on. I'll still help you fulfil your unfinished business, and to cross over even if that means breaking my own heart. But I don't want to lose this moment for that."

Even if I can't feel his emotions like he feels mine, I can read the sincerity and desperation in his voice. So I calm down for him, pushing aside all my worries and fears. I try to ignore the dark emotions that still lurk in my head, emotions that will only hurt him. Instead, I focus on being in his arms and what I feel for him. What he makes me feel. I let him comfort me. I need to have a better control of my own emotions if I hope to stay by his side a little while more.

But he soon shivers more constantly and I know I have to break the embrace. Even if he tries to stop me, he's too cold to offer more resistance so I win. I go to his room and look for blankets to wrap around him. I also prepare hot chocolate and turn up the heating system for him. I sit next to him but without touching him, just waiting until he warms up again.

Without his arms around me and his breathing in my neck my walls crumble down and everything comes back at me with the strength of a tsunami, the waves of angst and sorrow swallowing me from within. It's not only the hatred, loneliness and pain I died with, it's also the disappointment for seeking a wrong path and leaving my Mum to die alone. It's the heartbreaking agony of losing my mum, knowing I won't see her until I solve my business here, until I learn whatever experience and lesson my soul was supposed to. I wonder what would happen if I don't do anything at all, if I wait... will I stay for as long as I was supposed to live? If I was supposed to live until I was, for instance, eighty-five, then that means I'd have to stay for another fifty-three years. Another fifty-three years just like this. Here but not quite.