Daunting Fires (Completed)

19- Part One of "Fears"

I'm waiting for my turn. Half of the initiates are done, mostly the dauntless born. Some of the girls and boys came out crying or shaking. Trix needed someone to help drag her out. I wonder what her fears were...

Four opens the door and Cece walks out. Her eyes are wide and she's holding herself. "Dalia, it's your turn."

"Cece are you ok?" I reach out to her but she pulls away. She nods. Poor Cece. Her fears must've been horrific.

I gulp and go through the door. "Sit." Four closes the metal door and I sit in what looks like a dentist chair. He's working with a computer that has wires connected from it.

"I should've listened when they were explaining how these work in school," I chuckle nervously. Four furrows his eyebrows and looks at me like I'm a weirdo. Well, I can't really back myself up with that one.

Four takes a large syringe and I'm guessing it's the serum. That, I did learn and know about. He's about to stick the long needle in my neck but I stop his hands.

"Will it-" I realize how cowardice I've already proven myself, so I say, "never mind." Four sighs and says," it won't hurt much. Remember, what you'll see is not real yet a simulation." It sounds like he's said that billions of times before and is somewhat annoyed.

He brings the syringe up. Breathe. I close my eyes to calm myself down. I feel the syringe being inserted and wince a little.

I open my eyes, waiting to see Four but I don't see him anymore. I don't even see the white walled room or the dentist-like chair I remember myself in. There is a beautiful green of grass beneath my feet. Im in a meadow I've never seen before. I feel my hands through it and enjoy it's coolness. When I turn my hand, there's spiders, centipedes, and other crawling bugs on it.

I start screaming my head off. The bugs only persist on and crawl up my arm. Each time I try to flick one off, they bite and the numbers of them double. I start panting from my screams and remind myself that I can't do anything to make this better. Trying to rid them only makes things worse for me. So, instead of doing what I would logically think right, I let the insects crawl on me. It's ok. They're only bugs. My heart's pace slows.

I blink and everything before me has changed again. I'm on a pier in front of Lake Michigan. Well, what it used to be before a drought dried it up many years ago. It's vivid and dark and the waters look mysterious. It's... beautiful.

No it's a miraculous beauty.

I bend down over the pier to touch the water. It sways smoothly back and forth, calming me deeply. But the wind is suddenly strong and I fall in the water. I swim up, not exactly sure what I'm afraid of; what's in the water or that I can't swim. I've never done it before. I've never had a place to swim.

I propel my arms in a way that I know must bring me to the surface. Sure enough it makes me rise a little. But then, I can't go any further up. It's almost like there's an invisible wall that I keep bumping in to. I try to push up against the invisible wall but of course, nothing happens.

That's when I know that I'm afraid of drowning. I look forward into the lake and away from the pier. I don't see much ahead but darkness. I look below and I feel fear in the pit of my stomach roaring. Everything is dark below, too. I try to keep swimming upwards but I'm getting tired. I need more oxygen. I need to breathe.

I very frantically try to keep fighting but I realize I can't do anything in this situation either.

I let myself float downwards. I'm scared that something might attack me. Still, I know I have to go through the fear to end it. I open my mouth and breathe as though I would on land. Water fills me and I know I'm suffocating rather quickly...

Seconds later, I see brightness through my eyelids. I try opening my eyes but they're glued shut. They're literally stuck closed.

"I'll miss you, Xedalia. Mother loved you so much. So much." I feel my mother stroking my face. Her touch is extremely warm. I want to tell her that her touch almost burns my face but my mouth feels just like my eyes do. My lips feel sewn closed.

I hear Kirone crying. Then, I feel his small, warm hand hold mine. He puts something in it. I can't move, which annoys the heck out of me, but I can tell it's a flower. I'd say it's a thick, pink begonia flower. He knows they're my favorite.

Oh my gosh. This is my funeral.

Guys, I'm alive! Stop crying, I'm alright!

I can't talk. That's my fear. I can't tell them that I'm alive.

I feel a breeze as they close my casket. No! Open it right now. Get a doctor to see me. I'm alive, dammit!

I feel terrified as I feel my casket lower. You know you're not dead, that's all that matters. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real.

When I feel tears coming out of my eyes, I open them. In front of me are the train tracks of the train that I once jumped on. I see a boy who's back is facing me. He's blonde and has on gray clothing. For some odd reason, he's on tracks staring down. He bends down and pull out a dandelion from the tracks.

Then, the whistle of the train sounds.

"Hey, boy over there! The train is coming!" I yell. The boy puts his index finger on the fluff of the dandelion as though he's shrugging me off. I hear the whistle and the train is closer now. "Hey! You need to move!" He's a bit of distance away so I figure he might not hear me?

I walk forward until I'm five feet away from the tracks. "Hey, you need to move." Still the boy doesn't pay attention. I try to go and tap his shoulder but my face hits something hard. It's another wall. I don't understand why there needs to be a wall.

The train is visible now and it's zooming closer by the seconds. I look at the boy who doesn't seem to notice the monstrous train headed his way. "Hey!" I start banging on the see-through wall. Nothing. Now I get it.

The boy gets up and walks further down the track where he bends to get another dandelion. I look at my hands briefly and they're already purple. I pound on the wall some more, screaming for the boy to move. The boy turns and I catch his eye. I point to the train that's so close to him already but the boy only smiles and waves to me. He has the greenest eyes...

Cece.

The train flashes across the tracks and the boy goes with it. I can't see him anymore and I flinch my vision away from the train.

I feel disgusted with myself. I couldn't do anything. I'm scared of not being able to do something when I need to. Because of my fear, a boy died by a train today. And I know in my gut it was Cece's brother. Those green eyes.

This is a simulation. Nothing is real here. I still sob and sniffle from frustration but the fear is over and I'm dreadfully onto the next one.