Just Hold My Hand

Chapter Eighteen- Charlotte (special)

Charlotte's P.O.V.

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I just kept going. I weaved my way through the mass of people headed in the opposite direction, and avoided causing too much of a scene. I was crying yes, but I kept my head ducked low enough to go unnoticed. It was hard to not just crumble right there, but I had to make it home. There I could cry all I wanted to. Then. I could fall apart at the seams and no one would be there to witness.

It was over now, and I needed to be alone so I could deteriorate all on my own. I lost my chance, and for some reason it felt like my own fault. That's probably because it is. He didn't even know, all due to the fact that I just never told him. That was my own fault. Not his, but that didn't take away the anger. In a way, I was mad at him. It was infuriating how blatantly blind he was. How obvious must I be, that I have stronger feelings for him than friendship? He was just so blind!

Then he had to go and fall in love. How is that even fair? Isn't it against the laws of nature to have some one be loved by another, while that some one is in love with any entirely different someone? All the while the different some one is in love back. In other words, how is it fair that I can love Andrew with all my whole, and then he can love another, namely Kathleen, in the same way. Also to make it even more unfair and unnatural, how can she love him back? Where does that even leave me?

Alone, that's where. Even worse, fate just had to throw Drew into the equation. The poor fellow, love's me, but I can never ever love him in the same way.

Nothing in life ever really seemed fair per say, but this is just too much. Something is just wrong with this all. There is no way it's natural, or maybe I'm just over thinking this again. As usual. Maybe this happens all the time? Best friends. One falls in love because they are just so perfect. The other still just sees the other as a friend. It's all so cliche. It's amazing I never realized it before.

I made it to the cab. I felt like I was being pursued but I ignored it and kept going. It was probably Drew, but I was done with him. That kiss, that stupid kiss I just gave to him. My first kiss, and I wasted it on a man I didn't love. I know most girls first kisses are not with their true loves, but well, I was lucky enough to already know who mine was. I wasted it though. I could never get that back.

Suddenly I felt anger at myself, and I snapped the cab driver my address. He seemed startled at my tone, but just casually pulled out. I flushed, ashamed I had let my emotions get the better of me. I was usually capable of shielding my emotions from others. It's taken years of practice. If I failed this time though, maybe I have slipped before?

Suddenly my stomach clenched. Was I ever so obvious with my emotions? Maybe I wasn't as evasive as I thought I was. Could Andrew have found out and then... Kathleen.

I shook that thought away. Andrew obviously didn't know. He still thought he was hurting me as just a friend. He was just in love with Kathleen. My stupid negative voice was just trying to depress me again. My father was gone now, so I had assumed the voice was too. I'm afraid I'm wrong.

Once Andrew left, and he was out of my life, the voice sort of returned full on. Now I had to work over time to control it. Most times just silencing it with a mental image of Andrew. He always seemed to calm the storms in my life. Just the thought of him made me feel whole again.

He wasn't my Andrew anymore though. I mentally slapped myself, I was almost forgetting what I was running from. I needed to stop running though. No one was going to chase after me, I wasn't worth the effort. Never was.

Every time I ran away, I was deep down hoping someone would come chasing after. When they didn't, well I just kept going, to save my dignity. What dignity I had left. No one ever came though, so now I ran just to avoid pain, and heartache. When I ran from Andrew that day we broke apart, he didn't chase after me. When I slapped him and ran, he didn't follow. Now I was just running again, and he didn't even see me go. Still though, I was secretly hoping he would come after me.