Before Sunday

Thirty Six

TIME STOPS COMPLETELY. 

Xavier and I spend the next few hours sitting on the park bench catching up. To be fair, my version of catching up is that I got up and got dressed today, even if it was by force. I talk about my school assignments and X tells me all about Madeline, football and his academic adventures. The only drink I have is shared from Xavier's solo cup. I know it's his birthday but I cry on his shoulder. I can't help it. As soon as Jackson's name comes up, I turn into a blubbering mess. When will it ever end? This practice is becoming all too normal with Xavier and I can't believe he doesn't avoid me as if I were infected with the zombie fever brining on the end of the world. Honestly. I wouldn't want to be around me if I were him, yet here he is.

I wipe at my tears. "I'm sorry. It's your birthday and I'm sitting here making it all about me."

"It's never been all about you Mouse, you've earned the time in the spotlight. Trust me. Say whatever you need to say whenever you need to say it. You know I'm here for you. A hundred percent."

I know given the events that have unfolded, it's a risky move, but I place my hand on his knee. "Love you X."

"Love you too," he says. He drops a kiss on my head. "To the moon and back."

Those five words prove to me without a doubt, Xavier and I are in the place we need to be. The one where he's my best friend, and not my secret admirer. The place where I know he will always be and for now, that has to be good enough because it's all I've got.

I stand. "Well, it's been a slice my friend but I should go. I have to do a month's worth of work in a day. The downfall of being in mourning and slacking excessively."

He rises to his feet too. "If anyone can do it, you can, Lo. Have a little faith yeah?"

"I'm trying."

He pulls me into a hug. "You're gonna get through it, promise."

Xavier walks me home but doesn't stay. He tells me Madeline is waiting for him. His cheeks get all flushed when he says it and I know that something has been going on. Good for both of them. Xavier is a stand up guy and Madeline is a doll. Two people who deserve to find each other regardless of the circumstances.

My screen flashes with a text from Tori, telling me not to expect her home. A month ago, I would have welcomed the solitude but now it feels just like drowning in my own thoughts, kicking and struggling trying to get to the surface just so I can breathe again. In an effort to rid myself of them, I pull out my notebook and pen and begin organizing my ideas for our final assignment. I have about three pages of notes when I decide I've had enough excitement for one day. I head to the shared bathrooms again and when I look at my face, it becomes clear Tori's hard work paid off.

I wish Jackson could have seen me look like this. Even just once. Maybe he had. Sometime in the future. I wipe away at the layers masking my face with a warm washcloth and brush my teeth. As I climb into bed, I wish that for just one night I didn't have to think. I wish my mind wasn't consumed by another person. It's a daunting feeling, to be that emotionally vulnerable to someone else and despite my best efforts, there is nothing it seems I can do to control it. So just like the last twenty-seven days, I fall asleep dreaming, wishing for Sunday.

The next morning I wake because thunder crashes in the sky. Perfect. Another rainstorm. I haven't been out save for X's party, but for the last week the sound of constant rain has lulled me to sleep over and over again. I can't sleep today, even if I wanted to, work to be done. English to fail. A future to destroy.