Nowhere In Particular // H.S.

Forty-Two: "Are you there?"

Laurel had to go back to school once the weekend was over. She stayed an extra day, claiming that "Monday could suck it," and that I was more important. Tuesday though, she woke up early and drove herself back to Eugene, hugging me for ten minutes and saying if I thought about running away again she'd "hunt me down and kick my ass." Then she said it was only because she'd miss me too much and promised she'd back in a few days when the weekend hit again.

Neither of us wanted to say goodbye. She didn't want to because it was the first time we'd been together in months and she could only stay for a few days, which was not nearly enough time. I didn't want her to for that exact same reason, plus I knew having to handle the whole Harry situation on my own, while being alone, was going to be ten times harder without her around.

Pat was the one who interrupted our prolonged hug at the front door, walking his way into the house at six in the morning. The reunion between Pat and I already happened the first day I was back, so he was over the initial gratefulness to have me here, mumbling a grumpy "Oh great, you two," as he stumbled his way through us. Laurel flipped him off so I was happy enough with that and then she was out the door.

To distract myself I followed Pat into the kitchen, questioning why he was here since he doesn't live in this house anymore. Turned out he'd been sneaking in before anyone's awake and taking food from the pantry because he doesn't want to go grocery shopping.

He bribed me with breakfast and coffee so I wouldn't say anything to my parents about it, then he showed me his technique of taking just the right amount that no one has noticed. It was a rare bonding moment with my brother, and I know he would never admit it, but I could tell in the way he talked to me that he was happy I was home.

I hoped that my surprisingly good morning with Pat was a sign that the rest of the week would be easy, but my optimistic hopes only got me so far. I've had too much time to myself, too much time to think, too much time to stare at his name on my phone, which makes it very difficult to keep up this wall I'm trying to build to keep Harry out.

With Laurel gone at school, Pat being an adult with actual responsibilities unlike me, Blair also in school, and my dad away on another climb, my mom has been go to for keeping any lonely feelings away.

Now it's the end of the week, Laurel's just texted me that she's finished her last class for the day, and I'm beginning to feel some relief from days that felt like they were dragging on, knowing she'll be back in Portland in a few hours.

Much of my time this week has been spent outside in my mom's garden. I never had much interest in it before, even if my mom tried to coax me into gardening gloves on multiple occasions. But after the past few days of digging in the dirt and listening to my mom talk to her tomatoes I've started to understand why she likes it so much.

It feels a lot like therapy, especially when my mom is on the other side of pumpkin vines with waiting ears and a mouthful of solid advice. We've talked through everything, the Blair ordeal, me leaving, both of us feeling guilty for different reasons... and by the end of it I realize just how thankful I am to have her as my mom and how much love she really does have for me. That was something I had been questioning from my entire family before I left, and while I do think me running away sort snapped some reality into them, I think that love was there all along too. I was just too lost to see it.

Another morning spent in my mom's garden, focusing on the flowers today instead of any produce, and we're already tired out by lunch time, munching on salads on the deck as we stare out to our handy work. I look toward the chicken pen in the corner of our yard, a new addition since I left because apparently my mom's decided to start a mini farm in our backyard, and try to remember the names Blair assigned to each chicken. It's the kind of fall day that's still warm and almost summery feeling, but where you can tell by the time the sun sets the air will turn cold and crisp reminding you that it's nearly October.