A Different Kind of Us

Chapter 13

It had been five days now since Sutton had offered Ada the chance to walk away. She was counting the days in her head, repeating the number in a detached way, telling herself she was simply noticing how long they had gone without speaking--as if it wasn't something that was pulling tissue from her stomach every hour.

She was 17 years old again, paralyzed by the nightmare of losing Ada. It wasn't quite that her heart was bleeding--it was more that her heart was suffocating in a merciless limbo, waiting for word that it could either rejoice or shatter.

Sometimes she had a strange faith in Ada - faith that Ada would come through for them - but other times she felt suffocated by logic and reason. Ada was stubborn, Ada was scared, and Ada had spent her whole life trying to find her place (Sutton had spent it believing Ada's place was next to her).

Now history repeated itself. Sutton was heartsick, staring into a long abyss--a life without Ada. Some moments she wished she and Ada had never reconnected at all, that they had never reopened those secret places in their hearts. She knew Ada must be heartsick, too, so she couldn't even channel her pain into anger; she felt empathetic, for she knew Ada was struggling, and she desperately wished she could make things easier for her.

-

She and her mom were better - though they were still tense sometimes, there was no longer toxicity between them - but Sutton starved to tell her mom about her current troubles. She wanted to tell her about Ada's heart, her ambitious mind, the way she walked around the office with a tight determination, how her laugh sounded exactly the same as it had in high school--and how none of this might ever matter. She didn't know what her mom would say, but she yearned for her advice, or at least for her comfort.

-

Work was the hardest thing. She and Ada spoke politely to each other when they had to--the sound of her voice was like balm that turned to fire--but mostly they avoided each other. Sutton watched her from afar in the moments when everyone was busy. Ada sat at her desk with her face inches from her computer screen, and Sutton yearned to sit down next to her and simply absorb her presence.

She had started leaving the office during lunch hour, usually walking to a nearby sandwich shop so she wouldn't risk sitting in the break room with Ada. Debbie Chung caught on to this pattern quickly, her hungry eyes burning into Sutton whenever she walked across the office.

"I'm coming with you today," Debbie told her on Monday.

"What?"

"Wow, you need to work on your reaction faces. I can tell way too easily that you don't want me to come. Start practicing your 'That sounds great' expression."

Sutton stared at her.

"Oh, for the love of Lululemon, it's fine. I won't talk at you the whole time," Debbie said, standing up and grabbing her purse. "Come on, I'm craving Chipotle."

-

So she went to lunch with Debbie. They sat on the Chipotle patio and ate burrito bowls, Debbie spreading her guacamole--she'd convinced Sutton to spring for it, too--all over her beans and rice.

"Why are you depressed?" Debbie asked.

"What? I'm not depressed."

"You suck at lying. You might as well tell me the truth, because otherwise we'll sit here with an elephant between us, and I still have this whole burrito bowl to eat. Is it Ada?"

Sutton stared at her in what she hoped was a disdainful way. In her head she heard herself say Why would it be Ada in a snotty voice, but those words never came out of her mouth; she seemed to be tongue-tied. The moment swelled and Sutton sat mutely, knowing she was confirming Debbie's guess.