Just The Benefits (PUBLISHED)

Kabanata 29

#JustTheBenefits

Kabanata 29 

Iniwasan ko silang lahat. Wala akong kinausap.

Akala ko noon malungkot maging mag-isa. Iyon bang wala kang kasama at wala kang mapagsasabihan ng mga problema mo... Akala ko hindi iyon masaya... Pero pagkatapos ng lahat ng nangyari sa buhay ko? I'd rather be alone than to experience that kind of pain again.

I can't even begin to imagine how he managed to do that to me. Sabi niya kasi, mahal niya raw ako... But was that love? Pagmamahal ba ang tawag sa ginawa niya sa akin? Kasi pakiramdam ko, tinanggalan niya ako ng dignidad. Pinagmukha niya akong tanga. Kinuha niya lahat sa akin at ang tanging tinira niya lang ay kahihiyan.

I was his fucking mistress. And he was fucking me on the sideline while his wife and his child were waiting for him to come home.

I just... can't.

"That's it for today. Enjoy the rest of the weekend! And for the team who will go to Davao, I would need to get the final list this Monday. You can now all go."

Agad kong inayos ang gamit ko. From where I was standing, nakikita ko na nasa labas ng classroom ko si Parker. Simula nung makalabas siya sa ospital, ako agad ang una niyang pinuntahan. Ilang beses ko na siyang tinaboy pero hindi niya yata ako maintindihan.

I was done. I was just so fucking done.

Nung matapos na akong mag-ayos ng gamit ko, huminga ako ng malalim. Ito na naman. Itataboy ko na naman siya. It was actually starting to feel like a routine.

Paglabas ko ng classroom, agad siyang tumingin sa akin. Ni hindi na nga nagulat ang mga classmates ko na nandun siya dahil araw-araw naman siyang nandun.

"Imo..." pagtawag niya sa pangalan ko. I didn't look at him. I walked straight. He tried for numerous times already to explain himself but I wouldn't even stay for a second to listen. Gagawa lang kasi siya ng rason para pagtakpan iyong mga kagaguhan niya. Tanggap ko na kasi... Tanggap ko na na wala na talaga kami. And I won't reduce myself just to be with him.

I can't hurt anybody just to be happy. Especially not if I'd hurt a family at my expense.

Malayo na ang nalakad ko pero ramdam ko na nakasunod pa rin siya sa akin. I was about to go the library pero alam ko na susundan niya lang din ako roon. Same with my house. Papasukin niya lang ako sa loob. Ni hindi ko pa napapalitan iyong mga locks kaya may susi pa rin siya.

Removing him from my life was a lot of work but it's better than to let him stay and ruin the little of what's left in me.

Huminto ako nung nasa labas na ako. I tried to hail a cab pero walang humihinto. Naman, oh! Kung kailan kailangan mo talagang makaalis, e.

"Imo," he said. I closed my eyes and tried to remember all the things he did to me and the unimaginable amount of pain he had caused me. I can't believe that I still love him despite everything... but the pain was much worse. He just can't give me any explanation that would make everything he did okay. "Imo, kausapin mo naman ako."

I stood still. I stood on my ground. Ayoko na siyang kausapin. I was just so done with him, with everything. I can't put up with any more of his shits. I just want to go on with my life and forget about him.

It was damn hard but baby steps. Alam ko na darating din ako roon sa tamang panahon.

Ilang minuto rin kaming nandun. He was trying to talk to me while I was trying my best to pretend that he doesn't exist. He was making me work for it! Alin ba sa ayoko na ang hindi niya maintindihan?! Ni hindi ko siya dinalaw sa ospital matapos kong makausap si Bianca. Wasn't that clue enough?! If I still care, sana pinadalhan ko man lang siya ng card but no. I wanted nothing to do with him. I was being so freaking clear pero ayaw niyang pansinin!