My Heart Still isn't Broken

We Are Forever Held Together

"Jessica?! Is that really you?! Alex stop fucking with me because I will kill you!" Alex's sister Anna continued to poke me making sure I was real.

"It's me Anna I can clarify!" I giggle pulling her into a giant hug.

Anna had always been my best girlfriend, she was always there for me when I needed to talk about girl shit, she's was always up for a trip to the mall or a mani and pedi.

She was also there when I had to talk about Alex.

"Mom and Dad will be here tomorrow, they are flying back from Russia because dad had some international hockey banquet to attend or something like that."

We unpack all our stuff in the Galchenyuk's giant beach condo.

"You guys want anything? Jessica you're looking a little too thin! If you turn sideways I don't think I would see you!" She laughed and my stomach bubbles and a cold sweat breaks out across my body.

I knew she didn't mean to harm me, but I was a bit surprised that Alex didn't tell Anna about my eating disorder, they tell each other everything.

She walks out of the room and I start to feel nauseous.

I wrestle Alex a bit before I scoot away from him.

"Hey what's wrong?" He breathed as he scooted closer and cupped my cheek. His touch was soft, it was filled with all the gentleness in the world.

"You never told Anna?"

"No I didn't know if you wanted me to."

"And I don't, thank you for not telling her." My words wobbled with weakness as he pulled me into a hug.

I fell asleep there, and wasn't woken up until I felt Anna shook me awake asking the both of us wanted to work out.

"Nah I'll just take a stroll on the beach then meet you two for dinner?" Alex said relaxing his muscles once again.

"I'm up for it." I say chirping happily.

I put on some workout clothes and we head out to their local gym which was pretty nice.

I put in my earbuds and start running, I haven't ran in so long. It felt like a chain was broken free and my legs were mine to control again.

But you can always have too much of a good thing. After a half an hour after Anna finished, I was still going.

Legs burning.

Muscles screaming out to stop.

My heart beating like a drum.

I swallowed the bile in my throat.

I ignored the sweat running down my cheeks like tears.

My ponytail stuck to my neck and white dots began to dance around my vision. Even when I tried to blink the dots still stuck to my eyes. Anna had texted me that she went home and showered and that she was gonna pick me up. I didn't want to stop, I couldn't, I wanted to run, I wanted to be thin. I could feel the fat melting off my bones and trying to reattach itself. I had let myself go, Alex had told me on our way to condo that I was looking healthier but all I could picture was fat. He and everyone else around me thought I was a worthless fat person. They all told me I was beautifully they all told me I was thin, they all said I should stop. Lies. All I heard were lies, every word from their lips were dripping with lies that I was too smart to believe. The emptiness in my stomach clawed at my insides, but it wasn't enough. The feeling of a hollow stomach was both scary and thrilling for me. I look up into the mirror and watch myself, mirrors don't lie. I could hear it screaming, hey chubs when are you going to lose those fucking fifteen pounds of flabby fat you have? You don't want to stay a size four do you? I mean, when you were thinner you were a size zero! Zero is a good number, let's just see if you'll get off your fat ass and work for it.