Remember When ↠ l.p.

Figuring things out

"Oh well, I just-" I struggle to find the right words. How do I describe what I feel and what I want from Liam when I don't even know myself? I know I love him, a teenage crush growing into an honest adoration for the person he is now. I don't know how far I want to take this...dating? Would that be too confusing for the girls? I'm not sure if there would ever be the right time to bring it up. I wouldn't want to do so until I felt Tessie could really understand the situation. Whether Liam still faults me in part for how Sophia died or not, I'm still tied to her death.

Sure, last night he was being quite cuddly and flirty, in his own way. I told myself not to read too much into it because I still feel partly responsible. I'll continue to feel this way until I sit down and talk to Liam about what Sophia thought she had found to help me. And he's not ready to discuss it yet, I don't think.

So I told myself that maybe he was only being nice, the natural sweetheart he is, or perhaps he was simply happy and paying compliments. He didn't say anything further after that horribly cliche comment and left with a quick hug of farewell when the movie finished. 

Any thing that we might have in the future will be just that, in the future. Right now he's not ready to be in another relationship. Before what he said last night I had doubted he was even thinking of anything along those lines. I am perfectly content to wait. I've been single for the majority of my life and I'm busy with Cailyn and, now, Tessie in any case. Who's to say that I have time for dates? Who would I call to babysit?

I'm still adjusting to the area, despite moving here several months ago. I've gotten close to a few of the mothers that frequent the same library programs that the girls and I do. I've spoken to Cailyn's friend's mothers too, but didn't immediately spark any friendships with them. I want to make a few friends before I really settled in the area. If I'm honest, I've not made any connections or roots  here yet. 

I met Liam in the supermarket and that was all. I thought I would have to search in town for a job where I could take the work home, so I could stay with Cailyn. I didn't expect to find something so easily that I could do from home. I took it as to be fate, it seemed too perfect to pass up. My teenage idol offering me a job? What girl or boy would turn that down, realistically? 

If I'm honest, that one job offer and Liam stepping into my life might have hindered me from settling in here. I felt like I didn't need anyone else. It's only when things started to fall to me and me alone that I found myself wishing I had someone I could call for help. I wouldn't have had to impose on Mother so often. I know she doesn't mind, but she took several weeks away from home when Liam was in the coma. 

I am still desperate to be independent. That's another thing that I feel holding me back. It's not just that I'm happy where I am right now and that I feel-no-I know that Liam isn't ready, I still feel like there are things I need to prove to myself. I glance up to see both Louis and Harry watching me carefully. 

"I don't think there will be anything. Definitely not anything soon because neither of us are ready for any type of relationship." I try to sum it up best I can,  hoping that they'll drop the topic. Well, that Louis will drop it. Harry is the polite one, after all. 

So it's been nearly two weeks *winces* so sorry about that. I went on vacation to the beach for five days and then, since I've been back, just haven't been able to get into the routine of updating again. So here's this...and I'll either do another short update tonight or there will be one tomorrow. I wrote most of this before we left for vacation, which is why Liam's attitude covers are up there ;) Thought I'd leave those sexy things up though, why not?