Perfect Redemption

Three: In Which He Hates Her But He Finds Her Intriguing

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[ J A X ' S P O V ]

I dream of her again.

It's the same old dream—the constant repeat of the one memory that I had tried to suppress ever since it happened. It always starts off the same.

I'm in the ring again, the thick film of sweat coating my entire body. A sinister sneer graced my lips as I punched my opponent and arch-nemesis, Kayden 'The Killer' Williams, repeatedly.

One to the face. Another to the gut. A deadly one straight to the ribs.

I would have expected him to give out, to tap out, to end the fight, but he didn't. He just let me hit him. Over and over again. It's as if he wanted this to happen—for me to inflict pain on him. Not that I had been complaining—I relish in his pain. I love to see people suffer, and I particularly loved it when I made him suffer. It was almost the highlight of my entire life—beating the living shit out of him.

And then, it wasn't.

I didn't see her coming. Why didn't I see her coming? One minute, I was reeling my fist back, getting ready for Kayden's final blow that I believed would have surely ended him right there and then, and the next, everything felt like it was ripped away from me. Something tore inside of me, breaking apart the seams, splitting me into half, slowly killing me inside. My entire world crumbled soon after.

Because instead of my fist meeting Kayden's face, it met with Sienna's.

I don't know how it happened I don't know how but I knew that if I knew my ex-girlfriend was going to run into that ring to save Kayden—her boyfriend—I wouldn't have done anything. I would have held back. I wouldn't have hit her I wouldn't I swear on my life that I wouldn't.

I relish in people's pain but not hers. Never hers.

But it was too late. It was always too late. The dream always ends the same way—no matter how much I want it to be different.

I watched her fall fall fall until her face was no longer leveled with mine but with the ground. I heard her head hit the cold cement surface and a cry tore out of me-a foreign sound, a sound so painful that I would have never thought that it would come from me. I watched as the color drains out of Kayden's face and a horrified expression masked his face when he watched the life slowly drained out from Sienna's eyes.

In that moment, I felt teetered to him-his pain was mine, his anger was mine, and his love for her was mine. I reached for her but he was faster and he carried her in his arms, his cheeks stained with tears as he cradled her body, blaming himself himself when he should be blaming me.

I stood by the edge of the ring, completely frozen in place, because it was in that moment that I knew how much of a monster I had become. Even though hurting Sienna was not intentional, I did almost kill her. Had I reeled my fist a little further, hit a little harder, she would be dead. And it would be my fault.

Not Kayden's. Not hers.

Mine.

The dream usually ends there, with that sickening feeling consuming me until the dream falls away and I break out of bed, breathing hard and ragged.

I hate that this dream is the reason why I hate falling asleep. I already remember all too fucking well about what I've done—I don't need the stupid memory to plague me constantly too. It's like my body keeps wanting to remind me what a horrible person I am.