Medication

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Medication, you’re the best.

I’m medicated. Now I can rest.

Every day. All through the day. 

Doesn’t matter what I say about it.  

Medication inside of me.

Fixing my brain chemistry.

But somehow I still bleed.

Somehow I still can’t see

How to get out of my misery.

Medication, help me pull through.

Medication, I’m depending on you.

But somehow I still feel screwed.

Somehow I still can’t connect the dots, my heart still rots, I’m still losing.

I remain a piece mixed in with the wrong puzzle, worn at the edges from being pushed into the wrong spot far too many times and I’m fuming.

My nerves fraying like I’m gossamer, too weak, too thin. Honestly, where do I begin?

All this hate

Bottled up inside of me

And I can’t see straight.

I can’t wait  

To let it all go

Like it’s the water and I’m the rocket.

Okay, okay, I’ve got it.

I’ll start with the side effects.

The list of everything that could go wrong.

Let me take a breath ‘cause it’s pretty long.

Lamictal is not for everyone. Check with your doctor to make sure Lamictal is right for you.

Side effects may include

Dizziness.

Lack of balance and coordination.

Drowsiness.

Double vision.

Crossed eyes.

Pupil constriction.

Blurred vision.

Insomnia.

Anxiety.

Vivid dreams or nightmares.

Dry mouth.

Mouth ulcers.

Memory and cognitive problems.

Mood changes.

Runny nose.

Cough.

Nausea.

Indigestion.

Abdominal pain.

Weight loss.

And missed or painful menstrual periods.

Side effects for Abilify include...

Nausea.

Vomiting.

Constipation

Headache

Dizziness

Anxiety

Insomnia

Restlessness

Side effects for Wellbutrin include...

Excessive sweat.

Tinnitus...

Well, anyway, you get the point.

I don’t experience all of these side effects.

But I have enough of them.

And I’ve had enough of them.

Then there’s the dependency.

If I quit, I’ll feel like this is it. Like I’ve bit the dust again.

I’ll go manic then start to panic and that might be the end.

If I miss a dose of lamictal there’s a chance my skin will react in such a way that is life threatening.

And just by taking it I have a chance of several conditions developing.

When my mom missed one dose of effexor  the next day she stayed curled up in bed only getting up long enough to puke the contents of her stomach wherever she could make it in time.

Her head pounding and abdomen cramping.

She couldn’t move she was so dizzy.

I’m glad I’ll never have to experience that if I miss a dose with these medications.

But somehow I doubt I will enjoy it when I’m buried six feet under or waiting for the station...

To heaven or hell, whichever one I end up in.

And where the hell do I begin?

Because, honestly, I’m terrified of being on medication.

But I’m scared of what could happen if I was without it.

I live in fear that if I miss a few doses I will lose my resolve and end it all.

That’s not something I can just ignore.

And I don’t want to live like this anymore.

So, please, I’m begging you to tell me,

Where do I begin?

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⏰ Last updated: May 11, 2013 ⏰

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