Philophobia (Jonathan Crane, O/C)

Enigma

"Sometimes I think I live more closely to the past than the present." 

- Patricia Briggs 

I knock on the door. "Doctor Crane."

"Come in," I hear Jonathan's voice. Not Scarecrow. But I won't get too excited about that idea. I don't trust him.

Last night with Bruce just keeps coming back in flashes. We stayed entangled in one another for hours, never leaving one another's side and if one moved away they had to be somewhat touching the other. The whole night one thought ran through my mind, "Why not him?" Why couldn't I let Jonathan go? I mean Bruce is willing to marry me tomorrow if I said yes. Bruce is willing to take care of me forever. I would do the same for him. He knows me and I know him. I know every inch of Bruce's skin, I know his speech, I know his thoughts. I can finish his sentences. We are almost the same person in a way. One of the same, like we came from the same place. Maybe that is why I pull away...?  Maybe...

My eyes rest on Jonathan standing over a table and looking down at sheet of paper. He looks like death warmed over, his skin is paler than I've ever seen, longer untamed hair, a lose suit hang on his skinny frame.

"My dear Doctor I am nothing but disappointed," I stand with my arms folded and smirking. He looks up at me, his dull blue eyes meeting mine. He looks like he hasn't slept in weeks.

"And why's that?" He sighs, taking off his glasses, rubbing his eyes and sitting down in a chair.

I walk over and stand closer, leaning my body on the table. "I just pictured more."

He smirks and rolls his eyes, "I'm sure you were."

"I think you should sleep," I start forgetting I shouldn't care about him. I don't know him like that. But I do and I hate to see him looking like this. My heart hurts as it beats it feels like it is struggling to. I just want to take his hand and throw myself into his arms and tell him that I don't care anymore what he is or what he thinks he is. I just need him.

"Don't worry about my well being." He says nothing for a long moment. Something in my snaps back, I shouldn't care. He doesn't care about me or he wouldn't have left. Let him suffer without me. "By you being here and helping me that means you leave Cassandra out of this right?"

"Do you love her?" I ask tilting my head to one side. I don't think you do.  "I mean. Can you really?"

"Yes." I know he wouldn't say the exact sentence to a complete stranger but I just thought that maybe... I don't know.

"You both do?" I laugh and shake my head. "I doubt it," I move away from the table and aggressively pull out his chair, standing in between his legs. "No. The way I see it, you left her because she wouldn't be able to handle you Scarecrow. She can handle the weak little boy you protect but that's it. I can handle you in ways she can't." I smirk and lick my red lipstick lips.

I hear Jonathan growl. It's Scarecrow. I knew it.

"Let's not lie to one another flour sack. He's way deep inside that mind of yours and you can't get him back out," I tap Jonathan's head and he grabs onto my hand violently twisting it back, I grit my teeth on the intense pain it causes.

"Why don't you just shut your mouth princess?" He lets my hand go, I kick back his chair and before it can fully fall he gets up. He pushes me back and tries to pin me into his block hold, I duck under him and pin him the way he wanted to do it to me.

"No. I'm not going to and guess what? I don't fucking half to do anything you ask of me. Are you worried that Cassandra won't want to stay with you? So you left anyway? Well she wouldn't feel sorry for you if she saw the way you looked now." Did I mean that? Do I mean this? No... Maybe... Bruce may have hit him with the fear toxin. But both Jonathan and Scarecrow made the choice to leave me behind.