the broken

Chapter 34

JUNE, 2009

Phil

Cold cold cold, why is it so cold?

I roll over lazily in the bed, arm flopping around and feeling for Dan, only to hit the empty spot where Dan should've been.

No wonder it's so chilly.

I pull the blanket up to my chin, shivering, and am debating getting up and looking for Dan, when he slides into the room, phone in hand.

"Hey Phil, do we have anything going on today?" he asks, looking adorably hopeful,  messy curls flopping into his face. I push myself into a crumpled sitting position, yawning and rubbing my eyes.

"Hmm, I don't think so. I need to go to the store, but that doesn't really count. Why?"

Dan rocks back onto his heels and smiles sleepily.

"Pj was wondering if I wanted to hang out, and I thought I'd make sure you didn't want me first."

"I always want you."

His cheeks go pink, but he rolls his eyes.

"That's not what I meant," he mumbles, and I hop out of the bed and skid across the floor in my socks, promptly wrapping my arms around his waist and pulling him into a hug.

"I know."

He leans into me, humming contently, before pulling away, smiling up at me.

"I gotta hurry, Peej is waiting for my answer," he says, and I reluctantly pull away and flop back onto the bed as he walks out of the room, talking into his phone. I pull the blankets up over my head and squeeze my eyes back shut. I don't poke my head out until I hear the front door open and shut, and only then do I reluctantly drag myself out of the warmth of my blankets.

I take a quick shower and pull on some clothes reluctantly, jaw splitting open with another yawn. Ready for the day, I heave a heavy sigh, and grab my coat. I slip out into the cool autumn air, walking along the pavement, scuffing my feet and kicking the leaves as I walked.

The walk to the store is uneventful, and the store itself quick, and I soon find myself walking back to my house. Past the rows of townhouses, past the coffee shop, past a nice old woman who smiles at me. I walk by the park we'd celebrated Dans birthday at, looking up and smiling at the memory. Two figures stood near the entrance, talking, and I start to wave, recognizing them as Dan and Pj, only for my hand to fall back down, for a choked noise to spill out of my mouth as my Pj grabbed Dans face and kissed him.

What the fuck.

I stare in shock as I watch, feeling dizzy and a little sick and maybe like I am going to fall right down to the ground. After a minute, they break apart, appearing to have some sort of exchanging of words, before Pj turns and catches sight of me, his expression morphing into one of terror.

A second later, Dan turns as well, and his face crumbles, eyes looking wild and terrified. I want to be far far away, want to never look at his face again. His lips start to form my name but I'm shaking my head and then I'm running and I don't know where I'm going or how my feet are moving but they are and I don't even register as I stumble into people. I run and run and run and maybe I hear someone shouting my name behind me but I'm too far gone to care. I stumble, finally, onto the front step of our flat and fall inside, walking numbly until I am inside my room and the door is locked, and only then do I crumple downwards, sliding down the door until I am curled into a tiny tiny ball, and my chest heaves painfully, partly from running, partly from the silent panic that racks through me.

I vaguely hear the front door swing open, and heavy breathing and footsteps clumping towards me, but I do not register it until there is someone knocking desperately on my door, and I hear Dans voice, strained and cracking.

"Phil, Phil, please open the door, i...it's not.. what you think, please, I.." he chokes out, breathless, still trying to rattle my doorknob.

"What. You didn't just kiss Pj? It's not what I think? Do you really think I'm that blind, Dan?"

My chest feels like it's going to explode, angry and sad and tight.

"Phil," he says again, quiet and sad and desperate.

"No. Get away from me," I hiss, spitting the words out like venom. There is no response, only a quiet thumping noise, and then silence, and when I am sure he has gone, I bury my head into my arms and cry, shaking miserably.

My phone buzzes at me in my pocket, but I take it out without looking at it and hurl it across the room. After a while, my back begins to ache and my head thumps from crying, and I feel stupid and disgusting and pathetic, so I push myself up and pace around the room, clenching my fists. I grab at my skin and my clothes and my hair and I tug and tug, desperate to make this sad go away, but it doesn't budge, and I slam my fist into the wall, letting out a muffled cry as it makes contact. Tired and drained and now throbbing with pain, I collapse onto my bed and clutch onto my pillow, shuddering horribly until I drift away into a dreamless sleep, tossing around in a tangle of blankets feeling hot and cold and sad all over. Finally, when the sun has stopped leaking in through my window and the flat is as quiet as can be, I push myself up. My head pounds, heart hurts, pain pulsing through my hand to the sound of my heartbeat. I find myself unwillingly listening to the quiet, hoping to hear Dan maybe, but I hear nothing, and I quickly snap out of it, growing angrier and angrier as I think about it.

How did I even get here? I finally let down my guard, let myself fall for someone. I'm so stupid. I'm so fucking stupid. Did I mean nothing? Was I so unimportant that he could throw it all away without even blinking, kiss someone else like it never even mattered? By this point, I'm almost seeing red, I'm so angry. I rip the covers off my bed, shove papers and knickknacks off my bed table, but even that's not enough to make the tight feeling in my throat my chest my heart go away, so I swing my fist at the wall, again and again again, until, before I know it, I'm crying, mewling like a helpless kitten. I sink down against the wall, clutching at my arms until stinging crescents imprint into my skin.

Distracted, I don't notice the knob on my door jiggling, or the lock popping off, and it's not until Dan tiptoes into my blurry line of vision that I realize I am no longer the only person in the room. I want to push him away, tell him to leave, but my mouth will not work, and he has crouched down next to me. He doesn't look at me, just looks at my bloody arms and bruised knuckles as he pulls them into his hands gently, wraps them up in bandages, silently. It is not until he has finished that my mouth starts to work again, and I push his hands off of me.

"Go away."

He doesn't move.

"I'm serious, get the fuck away from me. I don't want to see your face."

My voice is croaky and horrible and his eyes look tragic but his face remains unreadable as he slowly gets up and makes his way out of my room.

I do not breathe again until the door clicks shut softly.

--
a/n thingy: there's not really much to say. here you go.